Pot, middy, half-pint, schooner, pint, imperial pint — the world is burning and I am so tired of arguing over the correct Australian beer size. The generations-long debate is almost as boring as whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza, or naming a battered slice of wet potato: scallop or cake? Well, it’s Friday and I officially do not care anymore.
As a Melburnian, I’ve been taunted several times by Sydney bartenders when I’ve tried to order a pot on their turf.
“OHHH SORRY YOU WANT A POT OF TEA, LOVE?????” they’d bark.
Ha ha, very good.
Can’t we all just drink our drinks and get along? Beer’s beer, it all ends up in the same place.
But it seems many of my colleagues are still loyal to their ideal millilitreage.
“While I love a good pint, I feel like the humble schooner really is the perfect size. It hits the spot if you’re just stopping by for one beer and doesn’t feel like you’re belting the wallet quite as hard as a result.” — Matt, NSW
“I like a pot/middy. It’s the perfect size IMO and doesn’t go hot if it takes me a little while to drink it. Every time I’m forced to get a schooner it ends up hot and yucky at the end.” — Bree, Qld
“Getting a schooner of cider is the most embarrassing thing possible. In Perth it’s legit like: pints. And schooners are for losers.” — Isabella, WA
“Underrated in the Australian beer glass debate is the fact that, in Tasmania, pots are called 10 ounces, and often come as glass mugs with a handle. Making it both a superior name and drinking experience.” — Cam, Tas
“The ACT has gotten so much wrong (starting with its inception) but at least it has the same beer sizes as NSW.” — Michael, ACT
“A schooner is superior in terms of thumb-to-digitus medius finger circumference, little to no effort involved.” — Lachlan, NSW
“Schooner is the best size and should be $5.” — Arielle, Vic
“I think everywhere should use pints. The big ones. Schooners are stupid.” — Kath, SA
“Pouring beer into shot glasses [like] the Russians do with vodka is a surprisingly nice way to drink, and probably the most fun I’ve had drinking beer, too.” — Brad, NSW
Ok, fine. I, on the other hand, would like to propose that we federally unify Australian beer sizes so every state serves all three: the small one, the medium one and the big one. Or if not, just order a tin and shut the fuck up.
“I would appreciate having access to ‘I only want a quick beer’ (schooner) and ‘I’m here for lots of beers’ (pint) options available everywhere in Australia pls.” — Asha, NSW
“I think that beer sizes should be scrapped entirely, as well as glasses in general. You should be allowed to go to the bar, greet the innkeeper, put your hands together in a cupped shape and say, ‘Fill me up, sexy baby.’ The innkeeper will then proceed to pour a beer directly into your hands and you have to drink it like that, and you’re also not allowed to wash your hands before this experience. I don’t drink, by the way.” — Ruby, NSW
“All drinks should be served in a Heinz Beans can (beans optional).” — Chris, NSW
So there you have it: many different opinions, one stupid debate. Now go enjoy your Friday frothies in peace and be grateful for the beer you’ve got.