Just Gonna Say It: There Should Only Be One Size Of Beer

beer sizes

I’m just going to come right out and say it: beer should only come in one size, and that size should simply be called “a beer.”

None of this pot, pint, schooner that’s actually a pint, butcher, pony bullshit. No.

I just want to be able to walk up to a bar anywhere in Australia, ask for “a beer” and be given the same volume of sweet, yeasty goodness.

As somebody who has lived in three different states of Australia, I mean it when I say I’ve got no fucking idea what I’m going to get when I order a beer. No matter how many times I Google it, I just order a schooner and hope to god I get enough booze to drown the feeling of utter frustration that this fills me with.

Honestly, if I were to be Prime Minister, my first order of business would be to scrap the utterly ridiculous system of beer measurement we currently employ. I mean, how the fuck do we expect other nations to take us seriously when we can’t even work out what to call a beer? We’re a joke!

But until last night, I had never *really* thought about just how many different beer sizes we have in Australia.

We simply don’t need more than one size of beer.

Think about it: if you order a glass of wine, it comes in one, universal size. A vodka soda? Sure, you *can* order it in a tall glass, but I guarantee that if you walk into any bar in Australia and just order a “vodka soda”, it’ll come in the exact same short glass.


So why the fuck is there 47 different sizes of beer? Blasphemy!

But, on account of the fact that I’m gunning for Scott Morrison’s job, I’m not just here to bitch and moan about it. No. I am a woman with a plan.

Are you ready… the standard bottle-size, 330mL.

And we will simply call it “a beer.”

It’s the standard size of a bottle of beer, it’s perfect for thirst-quenching, and if you want more beer, you can simply say “hey bartender, gimme another beer.”

I’d be lying if I said 330mL was my idea, but you simply cant argue with the logic.

So, without further ado, I hereby declare that all beers from this moment forward will be 330mL and will be called “a beer.”