Today, sadly, we reach the finish line of the race that has been our entirely level-headed, fascinating and thorough coverage of the Spring Racing Carnival red carpet circuit. I know, I too am utterly devastated. We fled the gate early on by dipping a hoof in the tepid fashion feeding trough of the Caulfield Cup, then got a good lead on the main event with a celebrity packed Derpy Day affair, before reaching the zenith of Fashanz on the Field at the Melbourne Cup. To no one’s surprise, things have taken a turn for the worse and the sartorial/celebrity stakes have appropriately been lowered to meet our expectations as we approach the final hurdle of Stakes Day – the racing equivalent of the dying hours of a party at which only the desperate hangers-on remain, drinking and trying to take home anything and everything to which they can lay claim.

There are some real doozeys in here – no really, you’re going to want to stick around to the very end of this – so let’s take a look at what lies at the bottom of the fashan barrel, beginning as always with the ubiquitous, delightful and slightly maniacal Rachael Finch.

Can we please establish a universal spelling for Rachael? No? Okay. Here she is, the always perfectly put together and (for that reason) slightly unnerving Ms. Finch. I chose this awkward hair flick photo of her because it’s unusual to see her not looking so poised – hands on hips, murderous glint in her eye and ready to draw blood. I give Rachael props for dressing to theme in a champagne (chartreuse, at a stretch) yellow Aurelio Costarella frock with more darts than the pub everyone ended up at. She also wears a bale of hay.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

According to Wiki, Kimberly Busteed is an Australian beauty pageant titleholder who won Miss Australia 2007 and represented our country in the Hunger Games later that year (Miss Universe). Katniss Busteed wears what I imagine is a leggy, lace Lover dress (meaning you’d have a hard time going wrong). On her feet The Girl on Fire sports the hooves of whichever horse didn’t earn its right to return to the Waterhouse stables and on her crown she wears a rejected fondant icing wedding cake centrepiece from an episode of Don’t Tell The Bride constructed out of tulle, loo roll and regret. PS are those flesh-coloured glitter panty-hose?!

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Here is a person called Samara Weaving. Unlike her namesake character from Gore Verbinski’s thriller The Ring, Samara is not killing anyone or anything with this outfit. I jest, obvs. Weaving wears a blue lace dress – you have eyes, presumably – and matches her nail colour to her strappy shoes, which are as grey as the skin of a girl condemned the spend the rest of her days down a well. Next!

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Look sharp everybody, for we are in the presence of Australian Royalty and at least one of us has got to make up for all the slack let go by Bec and Lleyton Hewitt. These two are never not flustered/going to my year 10 formal. For God’s sake man shave!

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Sorry Bec –

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

– because:

She showed potential at the start of the season (last week) but so far has failed to live up to my impossibly high standards (of hypocrisy). Simone Callahan wears some GOOP-approved yoga wear in a colour I bet someone once dubbed “guava.” On her noggin she wears the absorbent ‘after’ shot from a feminine hygiene product TVC.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

I take it back. Simone brought her kids to the races because they are “Celebrity Family Ambassadors” and judged a family fashion contest, which unfortunately is a thing. To their credit, they look stoked to be there and for once not flossing in-between Liz Hurley’s toes with rosary beads, which is how I imagine Liz Hurley gets off. Bedazzling. I hope they had a fun family day judging other people.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Charli Robinson was (is?) in peppy children’s pop outfit Hi-5! I give her Stakes Day outfit a Hi-2! out of a Hi-10! for her trying out the pyjamas as formal wear trend in a beige negligé, white fingerless lace gloves, and black accessories. I give her a hug for her proximity to the buffet and I raise her to the ceiling Dirty Dancing style for not ending up on I Will Survive.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Rhiannon Fish is on Home & Away which explains everything. Stakes Day is actually just a Home & Away inter-generational reunion piss-up. There you go! Plus, if this dress looks way too familiar to you it’s because we have already seen the exact same outfit before! You could never hate me as much as I hate myself right now.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Previously seen on fellow pretty network television actress Alyssa McClelland at the Chanel Little Black Jacket soirée.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Jessica Raffa is a professional dancer on Dancing With The Stars. Could you tell? I could.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Here’s another Channel 7 affiliate named Jessica, this time it’s Jessica McNamee, who looks like a Tahitian resort concierge who got caught trying on a hotel guest’s sexy resort sleepwear that isn’t actually sexy and should never be worn, even as a last resort and even to bed.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Emily and Carly Cheung were on My Kitchen Rules and attended Stakes Day to raise funds for various charities. Because their attendance is not entirely self-serving I don’t want to say that together they look like a watermelon, mint and fetta salad, but they do and I just said it. Some people like that salad and find it refreshing. They look like they’d be good best friends to have.

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day
Carly Cheung

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day
Emily Cheung

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

BEST DRESSED AT STAKES DAY GOES TO RICK ASTLEY

The Red Carpet and Celebrity Stakes Were Lowered Significantly At Stakes Day

Photos by Scott Barbour via Getty