YOU OUT THERE. YOU HUSTLIN’. YOU DOIN’ YOUR THANG. YOU KILLING IT. You go, good person of the internet and / or Glen Coco.
As a fellow, self-titled go-getter (*cough* wanker alert *cough*), I have an inkling that you too imagine outlandish ways to spend money whilst furiously masturbating. I guess it just comes with the turf, y’know?
While self-determination is usually enough to fuel our motivational fires, sometimes we need something with more of a kick to keep us transfixed on the end goal: literally being able to set fire to a wad of $100 notes without Amy Winehouse serenading us as we cry ourselves to sleep.
IMO, the best way to stay more focused on your goals than a uni student after ingesting several D5s is to surround yourself with examples of obscene wealth in a mildly masochist manner. Can’t think of any? The below should help get your imagination flowing and your nipples harder than fucking diamonds.
Go get it, fam.
HIRE A PA TO THINK ON YOUR BEHALF & DO YOUR BIDDING
COST: $80,000
Congrats. You’re insanely wealthy. Things and experiences that were once beyond the realm of comprehension are now a reality, which is fucking E X C E L L E N T. To execute all of your grand plans, however, you need a second you – someone who’s going to remember your Nan’s birthday while you contemplate how you’ll be spending your dosh.
You don’t want to hire a spud, so budget for around $80K to get a good’un. Like, someone who’ll make you say, “My PA Sandy is the fucking tits. I can’t believe forgetting to buy toilet paper was an actual thing that happened in my life. Sandy would never forget to buy toilet paper. Sandy has far to much respect for my rectal integrity.”
BUY AN EPIC WATERFRONT / INNER-CITY CRIB FIT FOR MTV
COST: $27,080,000
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
Ummmm… Excuse me while I change my underwear.
What. A. House.
This Rose Bay crib in NSW sold last year for $27,080,000 and gives a pretty good indication of how much you could be looking at for a nek-level, inner-city property. Sure, it’ll punch a hole in the ol’ wallet, but LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PLACE. HOLY CUNTBALLS. HOW COULD IT NOT BRING YOU ETERNAL HAPPINESS?!
If I didn’t think it’d result in jail time, I’d totally put my dick in and around this house’s everywhere.
Photo: Realestate.com.au.
THROW A STAR-STUDDED HOUSE WARMING TO CONVINCE EVERYONE YOU’RE COOL
COST: $1,050,000
Imagine walking into your lounge room to find Julianne Moore, Busta Rhymes, Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Shaq, Whoopi Goldberg and Samuel L. Jackson having a fat line on your marble fireplace. ZOMG #LifeGoals, right?????
Now imagine walking into your lounge room with a bunch of your mates and being all like, “YEAH, that’s Julianne Moore, Busta Rhymes, Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Shaq, Whoopi Goldberg and Samuel L. Jackson fucking racking up in my house. Eat a dick / soak up my awesomeness, LOSERS.”
BTW, your pals don’t need to know that the celebs congregated in your dwelling all cost $150,000 a pop.
TAKE 10+ MATES TO MONTE-CARLO LIKE A BOSS
COST: $1,325,000
Photo: PrivateFly.
One doesn’t just nip off to Bali when one has $60 million at their disposal. How fucking common, darling. You want to flex your obscene wealth a lil’ bit, and make sure your mates are with you to prevent your inner-wanker from taking full hold. What trip caters for both? 10 days, with 10 of your mates, to Monte Carlo.
Charter an Airbus A319 Corporate Jetliner (yep, as in one of those mammoth planes you’d regularly fly on but fitted out with general living areas, VIP quarters, an office, bathrooms and several beds) (AKA plenty of areas to become a member of the Mile High Club several times over) from Sydney for roughly $510,000. You and your mates will undoubtedly be comfortable, and literally rooted, during the 24-hour leg to Monaco.
Photo: Hotel Hermitage.
You’ll want to stay in the crème de la crème of hotels once you’re there – most importantly, one that has enough rooms for all your pals too. Hotel Hermitage’s Princely Diamond Suite, Diamond Suite Penthouse and Diamond Suite Duplex should provide ample space / decadence for any fucked up frivolities that might spring to mind. 10 nights in these rooms will set you back around $815,000 depending on how the AUD’s doing against the Euro.
Sincerest apologies if the above has just left you feeling like shit. For those of you who’re aggressively aroused ATM, go rub one out and keep hustling. You gots this.
Photo: RUN.
