No Ifs, One Butt On The 2015 Grammys Red Carpet

The 57th Annual Grammy Awards – the one night of the year when popular musicians compete to win a sippy cup in recognition of their part in producing the year’s best Beats™ by Dre jingle – are currently underway at the Staples Centre in Los Angeles. Everyone is there but you and I, so let’s take a look at what they’re all wearing on the red carpet while we wile away the hours until certain death.

Living and dying for everything about this strong new look from Disclosure
Kidding. That’s Guy and Howard below. Above, of course, is dance mom Sia and her Shetland self, Maddie Ziegler. Both are ‘dressed in black’ (that’s a Sia song, ICYMI) and are wearing matching collar pins and great shoes. I’m crying! 

Disclosure look okay too.
Chrissy Teigen could wear a hooded onesie woven of discarded pubic hair and she’d still look like a heavenly angel. Here she wears equal parts sexy and subdued Pucci.
BRB, having the kind of personal crisis that accompanies the realisation Jessie J is slowly growing on you while you weren’t paying attention, like black mould on a shower curtain.
All about your fifteen minutes being over ASAP, over ASAP, no treble. 
The extremely dud lace crotch landing strip and questionable sleeve embroidery is the cherry on top of this Meghan Traino[w]r[eck] and frankly she needs to go.
Sibling goals, tailoring goals, kicking goals.
Charli XCX’s Moschino tuxedo, ruffles and stole are on point for both her and the Grammys’ particular brand of underwhelmed exuberance and camp respectively, and that’s okay with me. Points for a hint of colour on an otherwise monochrome carpet.
With respect to Big Sean, this Atelier Versace situation is the best mistake Ariana Grande ever made and I don’t know if that’s a compliment anymore.
Donald feels things so deeply at all times, even when he’s an impeccably tailored vision in Lanvin. 10/10, would steal the shirt off his back.
Besides being totally obnoxious, the crown was also a little presumptuous, no? Better luck next time, Little Igloo. I think this is also Atelier Versace
Here’s The Portrait of Dorian Gwen in Atelier Versace with vertiginous Something About Mary hair. I’ll have two of what she’s having, thanks.
I know – it’s crazy, right?! I can’t believe you’ve made it this far either! And in Prada, too. Someone’s going to card you eventually, so until then, enjoy it while it lasts bb!
Mate, FFS. Both of you now? Honestly. Please, just give it a rest.
Nicki Minaj is feeling herself in Tom Ford. Everything on fleek.
It’s a really sad day – the saddest, in fact – when Beyoncé and I are not 100% confident in her lewk. This is custom Proenza. I mean, it’s okay; it’ll do for now.
Happy for Miley, who appears to have found peace and is having a moment of cut-out profundity in old faithful, Alexandre Vauthier
To appreciate the handiwork on Katy Perry’s Zuhair Murad Couture you really need to see it in person (or zoom in on a high-res detail shot). Because that’s never going to happen, you’ll just have to trust me when I say the precision of the beadwork is stunning, and that the whole look reads like the perfect metaphor for Perry’s music: A lot of man hours went into it, it costs a butt load to produce and it’s super shiny to distract you from the fact that there’s absolutely nothing going on underneath. Bye.
Fun pic of Taylor Swift and Jess Chastain from this year’s Golden Globes. She’s wearing Elie Saab.
I was genuinely shocked to see Lady Gaga on this red carpet, which says more about me than it does about her and is a pretty damning assessment of the both of us. I know she’s here with Tony Bennett and everything, but still. Praying for her, tbh.
She’s fine wining. She’s getting better with age. She’s wearing Jean Paul Gaultier Haute Couture. I can’t. 
Madonna is now almost entirely made up of custom Givenchy matador wear (98%) and uniboob (2%).
Goodbye, haters.

Photo by Jason Merritt, Larry Busacca/Getty Images for NARAS