Drinking Unchained: It’s The Academy Awards Drinking Game Playbook!

Tomorrow is The Most Glamourous Day of The Year: Monday, February 25th. Also, it’s the 85th Annual Academy Awards! What better way to celebrate the finest that Hollywood has to offer by getting really drunk in front of the television, at home, during the day, or later that night during the delayed telecast? You’ll need: a television, some chic loungewear, your tipple of choice, a companion [advised] and your fanciest wits about you.
The ceremony itself is going to feature a Celebration of Musical Movie Magic, or something equal parts fabulous and lame like that; a James Bond tribute; some cool, youth humour from unexpected host Seth Macfarlane and his animated characters; a lot of beautiful people wearing insanely expensive clothes; about four or five hours of mind-numbingly boring entertainment, and, of course, drinking.
Yes, Pistorius won’t be the only Oscar getting legless having a great time in the headlines tomorrow. Here’s a fun way that you can give your daytime television and drinking habits some much-needed structure.

Take a sip…

Every time you want to slap the entertainment reporter of your choosing: Seacrest, Wilkins, either one, they all look the same.
If someone utters the words “I literally die” during the red carpet.
Whenever someone says “Who are you wearing?” “Did you see Amour?!” and “Who is Seth Macfarlane?” 
Whenever Macfarlane speaks like any one of the characters who paved the way for this gig. Two for every time he speaks like Stewie or Peter and one for every joke that falls flat.
Every time someone mentions ‘Old Hollywood,’ ‘Showbiz’ or ‘Glamour.’ 
For every one of the following words a presenter can’t properly pronounce: Misérables, Quvenzhané, Haneke, or Zeitlin.
If Jennifer Hudson’s Dreamgirls performance makes you question Beyoncé’s stranglehold on #perfection.
If Macfarlane mentions Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow’s nomination snubs; take two when the camera cuts to a devastating handsome face beneath which lies barely concealed rage, or Ben Affleck.
For every person you didn’t know was dead during the In Memoriam montage: “NOT THAT GUY! I love that guy!”
Eat a pie…
If any mention of Life of Pi gives you a hankering for pie. You’re going to need to line your stomach.
Take a shot…
If Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech is longer than Les Misérables. Blergh.
Every time a meme, like a star, is born.
For every Best Picture nominee you haven’t seen.
If Jennifer Aniston throws shade at Angelina Jolie by looking haute.
If Kristen Stewart makes you want to punch a face, any face, your own face.
Every time someone says “Argo fuck yourself,” or “I’m the motherfucker that found this place, sir!” because cuss words are edgy during live TV.
When someone thanks God.
Every time the ceremony’s length is likened to the methods of torture used in Zero Dark Thirty.
If you forgot Helen Hunt was a thing.
Commence a waterfall…
If someone goes rogue, is censored or has a wardrobe malfunction; don’t stop until the show gets back on track. 
While Shirley Bassey schools Adele in the art of the Bond song during the James Bond tribute. Shaken not st-etcetera.
While they read out the nominees for Best Picture.
If Hugh Jackman steals the show with his killer jazz hands.
Take a nap…
If Norah Jones makes you want to take a nap. 
Drink all of the drinks…
If Russell Crowe nails his vocal solo.
If Skyfall wins anything.
If Macfarlane actually wasn’t that bad, or was at least better than James IDGAF Franco.
If Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon Levitt do anything resembling the latter’s SNL monologue and the former’s vocation of choice [acting, you sicko]
If Sally Field wins Best Supporting Actress and makes a “You like me! You really like me!” joke. Classic Sally. Never gets old, that one.
If Hugh beats DDL for Best Actor, or there’s what is wildly acknowledged as ‘an upset.’
Now drink…
Some water.