It’s Australian Open week! Or fortnight! I don’t know because I don’t care for tennis! Except for the hot dudes who play in the comp!

And the fashion – I deeply love the Australian Open tennis fashion. It’s not *meant* to be fashion, necessarily. It’s meant to be practical and ergonomic or whatever you call something that makes you zoom around a court and hit tennis balls at the speed of that awful rollercoaster in Movie World that I hate.

But you cannot deny that the likes of Nike and Adidas think about style when they’re customising their tennis player outfits for the Australian Open. None of these sports brands are out here just going “hey, let’s just use poo brown and wee yellow and be done with it”. Coincidentally these were the colours of my school uniform, but I digress.

Fashion matters. Not really in tennis at all, but it does to ME and I am paid to write here and hahahahaha to any of you who are old-man-yelling-at-cloud toward your phone screen over this. SUCKED IN I GET TO WRITE THIS AND YOU HAVE TO READ IT.

Grigor Dimitrov

Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

Christ Grigor. Whatever style you have going on here is being greatly muted by your 450 bags and random paraphernalia. How much shit can a tennis player possibly need? Just choof around the court a bit and get paid, son!

Jordan Thompson

Ummmmmm why did no one tell me there was a new Aussie tennis hottie, with a MOUSTACHE? You know what a mo does to me. All of this being said, this outfit looks like a bee.

Roger Federer

Look it’s not my favourite look from one of the GOATs. It’s very dull. Eggplant hue went out in 2011 mate, come on. Liven up with some aqua or lemon.

This guy again

Sorry but I downloaded his photo twice and YES it was an accident, ha ha… ha.

Ajla Tomljanovic

There’s a lot of turquoise (?? would we say it’s turquoise? Mint maybe?) on the courts for 2020, and I for one am into it. What I love most about Ajla’s look here is the shoes. Absolutely start with the shoes, and co-ordinate from the feet up. Bonus – she kind of blends into the courts. GHOSTY PLAYER MODE ACTIVATED.

Belinda Bencic

How cute is this set! How completely OFF is it with those black sneakers! Why did that happen!

Garbine Muguruza

I’m partially into these muted tones, but there’s that eggplant again. Ruining my day. Encroaching on my personal space, like eggplant does.

Karolina Pliskova

Another blend-into-the-court-spook-my-opponents situation here. The laces matching the dress, a personal touch I fuck with.

Catherine Bellis

HOW CUTE IS THIS SKIRT!!! AND IT HAS LITTLE BIKE SHORTS FOR YOUR VAG PRIVACY!

I love it, and I love that the tongue (ew) of the sneakers is the tie-in here.

Alex Bolt

I’m sorry, did a bunch of Aussie parents fuck in 1993 or whatever and produce some seriously hot and tennis-talented offspring? I think yes. Here’s another sexy Australian tennis player, wearing shorts that just look like boardies. Cannot condone.

Also in case you’re like Mel, he isn’t hot, everyone seemed to be yelling in this fashion then getting papped, even this random kid in the crowd:

Gotta hand it to the kid, he’s done a great job of co-ordinating with the headband/tee there. And the tennis “love” card tie in! I don’t really get it, but I appreciate it!

Heather Watson

I really like the cut of this tennis dress, but I’m still not there with visors. Just wear a real hat. It’s just as annoying and MORE sun protective. Scalps burn too.

Alexander Zverev

You know what, I thought I’d hate this because it’s blah navy and white but those pastel peach stripes really make it pop, don’t you feel? And I love a sweatband.

Alexei Popyrin

This mottled spotty sort of mould spore shirt is a Nike staple for 2020 tennis, and I would like it if I didn’t have trypophobia.

Gael Monfils

Sometimes you just have to salute a good primary colours situation. Red is aggressive, and that makes me think Gael is a gun player. He may just be mediocre, or even shit! But he LOOKS capable and that’s what’s important here.

Aurelie Tourte

Okay I only included Chair Umpire Aurelie because – WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN. Which heinous overlord told her she had to wear grandpa sneakers with a POWER SUIT. It is so unfair. You can see in her eyes she’s deeply disappointed in who she has had to become.

Simona Halep

It’s the skirt but different! This skirt is the MVP. I love it. And the same yellow-tongued (GROSS) sneakers too!!

Nick Kyrgios

No I’m sorry, you just grabbed your boardies and wore your bed shirt out with a polo on top. Also who wears their wrist sweatie on their ARM.

Rafael Nadal

He always delivers, and 2020 Australian Open is no exception. The ombre sneakers! The hot pink tank! It’s all working here. Also gratuitous shirtless shot because reverse sexism is fake:

James Duckworth and Marc Polmans

James an GTFO with his 2/10 effort here but Marc can absolutely get it in the style stakes for his unicorn pastel shorts.

Diego Schwartzman

As I said, a strong primary colour look is a great choice.

Ash Barty

My gal Ash looking like a dream in a mint/royal blue combo, with matching sneakers. CANNOT. FAULT. There’s a tennis joke there somewhere but like I said, I do not understand the game.

Serena Williams

Hannah Peters/Getty Images

Serena is ALWAYS nails it on the fashion front – look at those killer custom Nike shoes! The frilly tennis dress! THE KOALA NAILS:

Graham Denholm/Getty Images

She’s the angel we don’t deserve.