Meet Clyde the Thistle. Complete with cheeky grin and his funky purple spiked do, Clyde the lame-ass Thistle was unveiled as the Glaswegian face of the 2014 Commonwealth Games last week. But hey, it’s not Clyde’s fault, or even his creator, 12 year old Beth Gilmore who submitted an early version of Clyde into a competition to find the the best mascot for the games. No, I definitely don’t blame Bethany at all. For a 12 year-old, she is producing the work of a 13 year-old at-least. I’m blaming the Team Glasgow Commonwealth Committee. What the hell where you thinking when you palmed off creative control for the games mascot to a twelve-year old. Had the budget dried up after bribing persuading everyone that ‘sunny’ Glasgow was an appropriate place to hold a largely out doors event? Clyde is a thistle for god-sakes! Surely there were plenty of better options. Jock the week old Haggis? Shamus the the kilt lifting pervert? Or Angus the unhinged skag-head? I’m just brain storming here. Obviously Clyde isn’t as bad as London’s Wenlock and Mandeville but it’s not like that will ever be a barometer for mascot success. Who knows, maybe I’m being too tough on old Clyde. Perhaps he does have a charm that I haven’t seen. Time will tell. At least he isn’t as bad as these guys…
Here’s Our Top 5 Worst Mascots of all Time
1. London 2012 – Wenlock and Mandeville
These guys are seriously the pits. Aliens? Logies? Futuristic sex toys? Apparently their skins are made of highly polished steel allowing them to reflect the personalities and appearances of the people, so yeah, good for them. They polled well within the 4-15 age bracket which is a damning indictment of Britain’s youth. I’ll take kids with knives over fans of these gronks.
2. Atlanta 1996 Olympics – Izzy
In the same WTF mold as Wenlock and Mandeville, Izzy is a shapeless, genderless blob who provides the clearest indication that there was rampant psychotropic drug use within the Atlanta Olympic Committee. He was likened to “post-Chernobyl navel lint” and “sperm in sneakers” within the media. In an effort to further swindle parents out of their hard earned cash, Izzy even got his own computer game.
3. Miami Hurricanes – Sebastian the Ibis
The Ibis is gross. They eat out of bins and I heard that you can catch diseases from the red patch under their wings. There was also a Chinese restaurant near my high school that apparently got shut down for selling Ibis. Apparently Sabastian the bin chicken’s thing is dancing to Soulja boy. Do kids really need to be singing about superman-ing hoes?
4. Germany 2006 Football World Cup – Goleo IV and Pille
What on earth do Lions and Germany have in common? At least the stoned soccer ball adds a distinctly European flavor but I’d definitely advise Goleo to pop on some pants because the shirt/no shorts combo makes him look like a sex offender. The German license holder to produce Goleo, Bavarian toy company NICI, filed for bankruptcy in 2006. Sucked in.
5. Dallas Cowboys – Rowdy
Rowdy makes this list because he is an overconfident cepo-cowboy-douch who just pisses me off. I hate you Rowdy. Like the camp, more self assured brother to Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar, Rowdy will even go on the road with the team just to start beefs with opposing mascots. What a dick.
Clyde even has a back story. It’s all in this clip that Billy Connolly narrates if you care. He doesn’t even say fuck once.
