Ronaldo Saves Portugal In The World Cup With Ridic Hat-Trick In Final Minute

Folks we’ve got a situation. It’s called “every time I do fill-in work on the weekend, something sports-related that I don’t understand happens”. I am incredibly sorry for this situation you’ve been put into, I apologise for not having resident PEDESTRIAN.TV soccer fan David Adams on call at 7.30am in the morning. But predominantly I think we can blame the World Cup for having an exciting moment at a really inopportune time. Couldn’t you bloody WAIT, World Cup, to throw news-worthy things out into the universe? Say, 3pm when I clock off?

Anyway you’re just going to have to bear with me if you want to know soccer-related things told to you in our trademark zesty way, OK? I can guarantee it will be zesty, because I literally have NO idea what I’m talking about.

A soccer game happened overnight – I want to hedge a bet that it happened early this morning? I feel like people were whinging about the lack of sleep they were going to get on my Facebook, but I wasn’t paying attention because I was busy posting drunk Instagram Stories about this dog that I love.

Watch that video, I will absolutely bet $50 you watch it at least 5 times and probably for the rest of the day. THE PIPE MUSIC, MY LORD.

Anyway! Soccer! Woo! Balls flying at people’s faces! So Portugal, led by Cristiano Ronaldo who is one of the only people I know in soccer and it’s either because a) my soccer-obsessed cousin has said his name in my presence at some point or b) he’s dated a celebrity, played Spain. As a side note Ronaldo just got handed a 2 year prison sentence for tax evasion which is SPICY.

Anyway it was apparently a very tense game, and it sure sounds like it would have been. I for one am not sad I missed it and slept off my 40 beers instead, but that is beside the point.

Every time Portugal got in the lead, Spain would equalise – which I worked out meant they would end up on 1-1 or whatever. I’m going to assume this feels like when I’m playing netball and the other team keeps matching our goals – EXTREMELY STRESSFUL but also really bloody exciting.

Credit: Getty Images

It looked like Spain was going to win the game, kicking Portugal out of the World Cup (maybe? IDK) but RIGHT AT THE BLOODY LAST MINUTE – like literally, within the last minute, which is even giving me the shiver-me-timbers, Ronaldo completed a free kick from 25 yards and everyone is calling this a hat-trick. It meant the game ended on 3-3, which even I know means it was a draw. What I do not know is what that means for both teams, but it seems good for Spain at least? IDK if you’re reading this and you CARE I’m going to assume you just know why it’s good and we can leave it there.

Look I found you footage of the free kick, don’t say I never gave you anything.

Ronaldo also scored Man Of The Match which means he gets whatever this is, my guesses are extremely hideous statue he will hide in his garage, or large bejewelled sippy cup he will cherish forever.

If you missed it and you love soccer, I’d be finding some way to watch a replay because it sounds fucking fantastic and anxiety-inducing.

If you literally couldn’t give two shits – SAME, and hope you enjoyed this absolute word vomit ramble from yours truly. I’m gonna end this story with yet another Instagram from that dog.

Would ya FUCKEN LOOK AT IT. It’s so pure. Ok I’m sorry, bye.