I don’t particularly care for footy. I don’t hate it per se – I have been to a few games and not died? But I stand by my argument that AFL is literally a bunch of people running all over a giant field with no real purpose, kicking the ball around and then sometimes kicking it through some goals and everyone screams. That’s it.

Just to be clear, not everyone at PEDESTRIAN.TV feels this way about footy. In fact, two of our writers have an AFL podcast called Balls Up, which if you like footy you’ll probably enjoy. Give it a listen below:

ANYWAY because I’m in a spicy mood and generally get to do whatever the fuck I want in this job, which is why it’s the best and when you guys comment “lol imagine studying at Uni and then writing Bachie recaps” I chortle into my mid-afternoon coffee and continue to Google gifs for stories, I decided to rank the AFL teams based on literally nothing except my own absolutely batshit brain. Here we go, moites.

SYDNEY SWANS

Once I dated a guy who really frothed the Sydney Swans so they can come in last since he eventually dumped me.

FREMANTLE WHATEVERS

The Fremantle team is so confusing with it’s logo, like it’s an anchor like I GET IT, but how boring is that? I didn’t realise they were the known as the Dockers from that logo, because it’s an ANCHOR not a man docking a boat. Which would also be shit, so either way you lose.

A Ranking Of The AFL Teams Based On Literally No Criteria Whatsoever

BYE, FREMANTLE.

CARLTON 

The “BLUES”? Are you fucking serious? Terrible nickname. Awful. Pathetic. I almost put these guys below Fremantle, but Fremantle required me to do TWO Googles and frankly, I’m a lazy shit and don’t even like doing the initial Google. Also who is this man on the left? Is he a professional player or just some guy? Whoever he is – fix your hair.

A Ranking Of The AFL Teams Based On Literally No Criteria Whatsoever
Credit: Carlton FC.

BRISBANE LIONS

Look, it’s unfair but as a kid my dad was REALLY into State Of Origin and because of that I have a visceral aversion to the colour maroon and to Queensland anything. Brisbane Lions tick both those boxes and as such ROT IN HELL YOU LOSERS.

WEST COAST EAGLES

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Yiew!

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Here’s a thing – I went to one (1) footy game last year, mainly because there was a crystal warehouse at the same location and I wanted to go to that PLUS kill an afternoon. Anyway, at this game the West Coast Eagles played and their theme song is ABSOLUTE PISS-POOR SHIT, guys. It is BAD. It is extremely terrible. It’s like “We’re the EAGLES! WE’RE FLYING HIGH!”  But guys, you’re actually humans and there is no flying in AFL except for the balls. Honestly, listen:

It is so bad.

GOLD COAST SUNS

This is the most unoriginal concept in the entire world. The SUNS? Because you’re on the Gold Coast and it’s sunny there? Also the sun is not threatening to me in the slightest. How do you make a sun look violent and scary? You can’t. Look.

A Ranking Of The AFL Teams Based On Literally No Criteria Whatsoever

It looks like a juice label. Ooh I’m so terrified of the little juicebox team.

NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS

Are you fucking kidding me. Kangaroos.

WESTERN BULLDOGS

These guys suck in my book simply because I hate the NRL Bulldogs, and these guys are also called the Bulldogs, so even though they’re from a completely different part of Australia I just don’t like them and this is my list and I can do what I WANT.

PORT ADELAIDE POWER

This is another stupid fucking name. At least, unlike the SUNS (good lord) they’ve gone with something mildly threatening but power is a concept, it’s not an animal or a physical anything. It’s like, a lot of things have power? Be more specific.

ADELAIDE CROWS

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All the feels ???????? #weflyasone

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You look like half-dead bees.

GEELONG CATS

Cats don’t really scare me but I guess a BIG cat would? So I’ll give them a mild pass on that. Plus from a style point of view (come on, I AM the Style Editor) their uniform is clean and chic. It is.

HAWTHORN HAWKS

Just rolls off the tongue, I like it. Also hawks are the most fucked birds. They have no souls, they just prey on cute mice like in the kid’s movie I saw that is very scarring and bad. Watership Down, I think? Anyway they’re terrifying fuckers. Good name choice.

MELBOURNE DEMONS

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Ready to #RaiseHell. ✊

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Guys!!!! What could be a better scary name for your footy team than the fucking DEMONS. DEMONS ARE THE WORST! They are soulless and will crush all in their path! Fantastic naming job.

ST KILDA SAINTS

Look I know, “Saints” is a completely un-scary name to have and up until now, 90% of my reasonings have been name-based. But what did I tell you! This list doesn’t have a SENSE OF REASON! It’s my insane ramblings that I get to do because my Editor said I could and she’s mildly unhinged! So St Kilda beat several other better-named teams because Secret Life Of Us was set there and I really imagined my adult life was going to involve living in an apartment complex with a cool rooftop and some sweet unrequited love with a dorky guy in my building, and while that hasn’t happened I still have a soft spot for St Kilda because of the dream.

GWS GIANTS

These guys are almost top gong and it’s because a) my Editor Josie froths the team and I don’t want to get fired and b) there are some REAL BABES (see above) that play for this team and I know bc I have been to one (1) game. They also have a decent team song that involves stomping sounds which Josie told me excitedly is “because they’re GIANTS? Get it? They’re stomping out of the change rooms?”

RICHMOND TIGERS

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Defender squad ????

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These guys look like alive, spicy bees. I don’t care that they’re called the Tigers and should therefore look like angry Tigger. Bees are terrifying. I trod on one when I was drunk once and it fucking hurt.

ESSENDON BOMBERS

These guys come in slightly ahead of GWS Giants because I have also seen them play one single time, and there were slightly more babes on the field. I have a particular crush on Joe Daniher (see above) because he’s a tall, uncoordinated goober and I fall in love with literally any tall, uncoordinated goober I meet. Plus, they have scary uniforms! Black and red! The EVIL COLOURS. AND their nickname is the Bombers. Extremely violent.

COLLINGWOOD SOMETHINGS

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Mason gets ???? #FOREVER

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I literally only made this team my favourite because it royally shits Cam, Josie and Courtney, who all hate Collingwood for some unknown reason. I like to be inflammatory for no reason at all! I don’t even know their nickname but I still say they’re my favourite team to rustle Cam/Courtney/Josie’s jimmies.

Want more footy? Well, that’s what the Balls Up podcast is for. You can subscribe on iTunes HERE, Spotify HERE or just listen or download below.

Image: Getty Images