Vanilla. 

It’s the flavour you’re probably gonna best identify with once you’ve finished reading this.

That’s cause sexuality is a complex beast. What turns you on might leave me high, dry and hankering for lube – and vice versa. 

Some people like to be roughed up in the boudoir, others like a soft touch. Some dabble in light toe-sucking, others like #fingersinthebootyassbitch. It’s all cool.

And contrary to popular belief egged on by shows like Sex And The City (that Charlotte foot fetish dude episode, anyone?), fetishes aren’t actually that unusual. Plus, if they’re not hurting anyone in the process, are they really that nasty? Probably not.

Variety is the spice of life after all. So here’s a bunch of sexual fetishes that you mightn’t have heard of before.

ECOSEXUALITY 

“Rather than approaching the world as a warehouse of insensate things we wish to stockpile for later use, we should consider it a partner in the longest relationship we’ll ever have.”

A photo posted by genevieve belleveau (@gorgeoustaps) on

We all know vegans are, for the most part, a passionate bunch. Loving nature and wanting to take care of our forever home isn’t that crazy – but being sexually attracted to the environment? Another story.

Ecosexuals are individuals who find nature arousing. Some imagine nature as their supreme lover.

Earlier this month an Ecosexual Bathhouse opened up for a limited time at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Melbourne, created by artists in an attempt to coax visitors into caring for the environment a lil more. 

In the same field (lol) as Ecosexuality is Dendrophilia – sexual attraction to trees. But wood you just imagine the splinters?!

BALLOON FETISH

Balloonfetish.com is a great resource of information about this particular subculture. The website greets the curious warmly with a fun banner.

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Balloonfetishists, or ‘Looners’ as they are sometimes known, are – you guessed it – sexual aroused by balloons. 

Dennis, the 20-year-old Danish gentleman who runs the aforementioned site describes how he came to realise his ‘unusual fetish’ some eight years ago:

“As I started inflating the balloon, I could feel my cock grow in my pants. It used to do that of some reason, so nothing unusual there. I kept my balloon close to my body, and since I only just got out of bed I was only wearing my underwear. I had a feeling something was not as it used to be that day.

I continued blowing, while I still held it close to me. My cock became harder each time I blew more air into the balloon. I felt a combination of joy, happiness and warmth inside me I’ve never felt before.

Suddenly I felt something was very wrong. I threw myself on the bed to get it to stop. There was something wierd going on down there. It really gave me a huge shock.

I ran to the bathroom after the cramp-like feeling stopped, pulled down my pants and looked down.

And there it was. My first ejaculation, and the shock I got was nothing less than my very first orgasm!”

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pop goes ur pee pee

You can purchase your saucy balloons from Nordic Looners here.

MUCOPHILIA

Mucos are turned on by hearing, seeing or engaging in a sneeze. 

In my Year 9 sexual ed class, our teacher attempted to explain the glory of the orgasm by comparing it to sneezing, saying it felt like “the intensity of a sneeze, times ten.”

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oh baby oh baby

While this did nothing but confuse a young me (and make me feel weirdly guilty every time I sneezed for the next year), it makes some sense, as it is a ‘release’ or sorts, similar to climaxing, but more mucusy.

EMETOPHILIA 

Licking Plants & Popping Balloons: Whack Sex Fetishes You Haven’t Heard Of

An attraction to vom, be that watching someone vom, or vomming yourself. Yuck.

COPROPHILIA

Who can forget the cinematic brilliance of Not Another Teen Movie? The jock’s sister Catherine was most likely a Copraphiliac – someone who derives special, personal pleasure from faeces and defecation. 

Shitty!

EROTIC ELECTROSTIMULATION

Also known as e-stim or electrosex, EE involves the use of electricity to stimulate certain parts of the body for sexual gratification. It can play a big part in BDSM practice.

I was unfortunate lucky enough to try it out at SEXPO a couple weeks back – see my reaction 16 seconds in:

It really, really hurt.

(The woman showing me the device let me put it on her at a much higher voltage after we filmed this. She didn’t flinch. We removed the electro pads after the stimulation, and her skin was red, raw and lacerated. She has obviously practiced.)

CLIMACOPHILIA


Arousal from the act of falling down stairs.

We found this listicle on WordPress site Dumb BuzzFeed that (we imagine) captures the difficulty of being an active climacophiliac all too well:

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number five

FORCED FITNESS

If you think enduing a personal training session is already a fresh hell, this one won’t be for you.

Though there’s no evidence to explain why and how this happens, a whopping 1 in 10 of y’all have experienced exercise-induced orgasms while working on ye abdominals. Hard.

So there you have it. And this list is in no way exhaustive. Remember – you can think of it, someone’s probably done it.

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Photo: Reddit / MajorBaker.