Listen Up Bros, We’re Vagsplaining The ABC’s Of Contraception For The Final Time

Ah, to be a bro, an oyzie, one of da boys, the lads, the fellas. Just wandering through life all doe-eyed and innocent. Making great money, taking full advantage of your quick metabolisms, ejaculating your freedom seeds onto or into whatever you like – your only concern being when the PS5 will become available for pre-order again. Life is truly but a dream.

Us ladies are not afforded such luxuries. We like sexy time just as much as you but mother nature would just so have it that from one night of action can easily lead to mega life and body altering consequences for us. For this reason, we must prepare and educate ourselves from an early age about the body and contraception, weigh the benefits, the risks, make informed decisions on such information, and become women.

Us at twelve. Men are still the first gif.

But it’s 2020 now, brother! Come on. Take some responsibility, become a man, and learn about contraception because despite what you think, it affects you too! And if it’s any extra motivation, being clued up and educated on this shit is sexy as all hell and lays the very foundation to becoming boyfriend material.

Here are some things every dude should know about contraception. I’ll be your guide so everyone sit down, be humble, and listen up. I’m obviously not a doctor, and contraception methods work differently for all. You should consult with the legit professionals if you’re unsure about anything.

1. There are multiple methods of contraception

There are many many methods of contraception. This might be dry but it’s compact and important for you to know.

  • IUD – Intrauterine Device. This is a tiny device that is planted in the uterus by a doctor. There are two types of IUDs. A hormone-releasing IUD will last five years, a copper IUD will last from five years to a decade. IUD’s work by stopping sperm from reaching and fertilising an egg. It also changes the uterus lining, so a fertilised egg won’t plant in it. You can have these removed at any time and they won’t hinder chances of getting pregnant in the future.
  • Contraception Injections (aka “Depo”) are an injection of hormones. Long story short it stops ovulation and makes the fluid at the opening to the uterus thicker, which stops sperm from getting through. You need to have them around every twelve weeks.
  • Combined Pill (or, known as “the pill”) is a tablet taken daily. There are many types of combined pills with different doses and hormones and different side effects. The pill is 99% effective in stopping pregnancy but this can be affected if tablets are missed or taken too late, if you are sick (vomiting/diarrhea) or if you are taking other medications such as antibiotics. Pills usually come in a 28-day pack that includes both hormone and sugar pills. Your period will come while taking the sugar pills. You can skip your period by missing the sugar pills and continuing to take the hormone pills each day. The pill works by stopping the ovaries from releasing an egg every month. The pill can make your periods become lighter, more regular, and less painful and improve acne and can relieve the symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome and endometriosis.
  • Mini Pill is similar to the combined pill (taken orally, daily) but can be less effective. Like contraception injections it makes the fluid at the opening to the uterus thicker, stopping sperm from getting through. It needs to be taken every day at the same time. It usually suits those who either have side effects when they take estrogen or cannot take estrogen for health reasons.
  • A Vagina Ring kind of looks like a round glow stick. It is inserted into the vagina and it slowly releases hormones into the bloodstream that will stop the user from getting pregnant. These last for about three weeks at a time and you must wait a week before you can put in another.
  • Male Condoms – You know I know you know what these are.
  • Female Condoms are a loose non-latex pouch (kind of looks like a jumbo male condom) with a flexible ring at each end that sits in the vagina, stopping sperm from getting into the uterus. It can be put in several hours before having sex and is stronger than the male condom. It is difficult to put in so takes practice. When used correctly, it is 95% effective.
  • Diaghphram is a soft, shallow, silicone dome that fits in the vagina. It covers the opening to the uterus, stopping sperm from getting through. To be effective diaphragm needs to stay in place for at least six hours after having sex. When used correctly this method is 86% effective.
  • Emergency Contraceptive Pill (or, the “Morning After Pill”) is a tablet taken orally, once. It is taken as soon as possible after sex (definitely within 90 hours). You must go to a pharmacist and speak to a chemist to get one. It’s not just something you can carry around in your pocket just in case. The morning-after pill is not a long-term solution and is not intended to be taken regularly. It has ‘Emergency’ in its name for a reason.

3. Contraception methods prevent pregnancy, not STIs

Most (pretty much all) contraception methods do not protect against STIs. The only way to stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is to indeed use a male condom. It’s not that hard. 🙂

4. Contraception can have side effects

These are not magic fixes and taking contraception is not always a walk in a sexy park. For example, many women who use copper IUDs experience heavier periods and period pain. Contraception Injections will cause a change in your period or it may stop altogether. Taking the morning-after pill regularly can hurt your chances of fertility in the future.

5. Male contraception will be a thing

And we can’t wait! It’s just taking a while. So it looks like a male version of “The Pill” is off the cards for now. In the meantime, best support your partner in this burden she must undertake for your pleasure and her’s – and appreciate her for doing so.