Folks, I’ve been a beauty writer for the better part of eight years now, and I’ve tried some truly wild shit in my time, but the lengths this TikToker has gone to for good skin are even beyond me. Beauty blogger Kelly Zolanski reckons that mixing semen with some moisturiser is a cheap, homemade alternative to expensive face creams. And somehow, I don’t think La Mer is quaking.

According to The Daily Mail, Kelly first attempted to try slathering her face in cum after she saw a video online that claimed it contained all kinds of ‘nutrients and protein’ that are ~ good for the skin ~.

Given that she’s currently single, she enlisted the help of her mate to see if he could spare a load before bottling it up and popping it in her fridge.

“I’m single at the moment and called one of my friends. I called him on FaceTime and asked if he could give me some of his semen. I live alone, so no one will need to see it when they’re making breakfast.”

Can you just imagine how that conversation went down?!

“Uh, hey mate, can you just rub one out and pop it into a jar for me? I reckon it’s the next big thing in anti-ageing” Or something along those lines, I reckon.

Don’t believe me, get a load of the TikTok video where Kelly can be seen dabbing the semen on her face and rubbing it in as if she’s filming a Vogue Beauty Secrets video.

@kellyzolanski #FritoLayRickRoll #YerAWizard #EveryKiss ♬ original sound – kellyzolanski

It’s the tapping sound for me. 

“They say that cum is supposed to be really good for your skin.” She says while applying ol’ mates bodily fluids. “So I’ve been applying it every day to my face for like 5-days now, and I can honestly say that it’s working.”

“Do you not see that glow?!” I’ll give it to her. The girl’s skin is glowing…

“Smells kinda weird, but it’s good”, she emphasises.

Kelly confirmed that she has two different methods of application, “I put it on my face, let it dry, then wash it off. I mixed it with moisturiser because it had a weird smell. He’s not the healthiest person.”

I’m heaving.

As you can imagine, Kelly’s TikTok currently has almost 300k views with the comments section being quite the journey.

And being the Walkley winning investigative journalist I am*, I decided to suss out if Kelly was actually onto something. No, I didn’t ask the guy I’m dating to cum in a jar — can you imagine?!

Instead, I spoke to a PhD-qualified scientist and founder of Qr8 and Qr8 MediSkin, Dr Michele Squire, who informs me that while semen does contain vitamins and minerals, it won’t do shit for your skin.

“Technically, semen does contain some potentially skin-beneficial components (like fructose, and several vitamins and minerals) BUT – and it’s a huge BUT – these won’t stay stable for long once they have left the body. Cosmetics products are designed with very careful preservation and formulation science to keep the ingredients fresh and delivered to the skin in a way they are beneficial, not to mention safe. Semen has none of these things! Sure, you can apply it, but there’s no evidence that anything in the semen is actually doing anything for your skin. Also, Ew.” 

Dr Michele also points out a whole host of VERY valid reasons why you shouldn’t be opting for a semen facial.

“Other than the fact that it won’t be doing much for your skin, semen isn’t sterile – it can be contaminated with multiple types of faecal bacteria (like E. coli and E. faecalis), as well as STDs and yeasts like Candida albicans. Please, don’t apply these to your face!” 

Kelly herself also pointed out that she wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, “I’m not encouraging it in case people are allergic to it. Some people might have a breakdown or bad reaction.”

Which Dr Michele confirmed. “Semen allergy is a real thing! A local (skin) or systemic (itching, swelling, rash, even anaphylaxis) reaction is possible after exposure to the proteins in semen and is termed Seminal Plasma Hypersensitivity (SPH).

It’s thought to only happen rarely, but in reality, how often this really happens isn’t known (because it’s kind of sensitive topic, but also because it could be due to other things like an allergy to condoms, lube ingredients, drugs that might have made their way into the semen, etc.).”

There ya have it, folks. Do whatever you like in the bedroom, no kink-shaming here, but please just use some Cetaphil, not cum, on ya gorgeous faces.  

*LOL — I’ve never actually won a Walkley, but with a yarn like this, a gal can dream.

Image: TikTok @Kelly Zolanski / SNL