VIC Opposition Reveals Plan For 100% Compulsory Competitive School Sports

The Victorian opposition has announced a radical plan to make competitive intra-school sports compulsory for all Year 7 children, in an apparent attempt to, well, stop young Aussies from playing so much goddamn Fortnite.

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The Herald Sun reports the state Coalition intends to corral kids from a slew of public schools into sports including soccer, cricket, netball, athletics, and swimming, should it win November’s election.

The trial program, slated for 2020, would teach those kids the rules, and then pit them against other tykes from other schools. Under the proposal, students would only be excepted for illness or injury.

Guy explained the motive for the plan was to instil healthy habits into Victorian kids, but was also a response to the apparent scourge of… games.

“At the moment, too many of our children are spending too much time playing virtual sport and not enough time playing real sport,” Guy told The Herald Sun.

While the whole deal seems like a great way to instil a distaste for organised sports that lasts precisely as long as those competitions are forced on participants (Editor’s note: hi, hello, this is a real thing!), Guy cheerily added “it’ll teach kids the importance of having a go!”

If the LNP topples the Andrews Labor government later this year, expect to see a lot of pissed-off tweens twiddling on their phones while riding the bench.