Tony Abbott Invents ‘Abbottsplaining’, Tells Muslims To Reform Islam

Welcome, friends, to another episode of ‘People Confusing Islam With ISIS‘. 

This week, we’ve got former Prime Minister Tony Abbott writing exclusively, we tell ya, for the Daily Telegraph, in which he calls for Islamic reform in the face of all this ‘death cult’ business.

In just 10 easy steps, he explains – to quote the great Hardstyle producer Brennan Heart – why Muslims should ‘fit in or fuck off’.

Let’s investigate, shall we?

Step 1: Link terrorism to Islam.

“Around the world, terrorists screaming out Allah-u-Akbar are killing decent people going about their daily lives.”

These tragic events are happening to people just like us. It’s that old ‘us and them’ narrative. [Further watching: Waleed Aly‘s viral speech.]

Step 2: Make it personal, make it emotive.

“So far, three innocent people have died in terrorist incidents in Australia: Katrina Dawson and Tori Johnson in the Martin Place siege a year ago and Curtis Cheng outside Parramatta police station in October.”

Here, have an emotive response to these tragic deaths.

Step 3: Praise all current efforts to fight terrorism.

“So far our police and security services have responded with great professionalism to the terrorist threat and our people have taken this new challenge in their stride. At every level, though, our response needs to escalate as the danger intensifies.”

I wonder what else Australia could do to combat Islam? Wait, terrorism. I mean terrorism.

Step 4: Alert Australians to the fact that it’s not just *our* problem.

“In the past few weeks there’s been the bombing of a Russian airliner over Sinai killing 224 people, the multiple attacks in Paris killing 130, bombings in the Middle East killing 75, the massacre of 14 people in California (it now seems) and a four-day lock-down of Brussels.”

Big problem. Huge.

Step 5: Get round to the gist of your article: Islam.

“Dealing with terrorism and the Islamist fanaticism that inspires it is the great challenge of our time. Obviously there needs to be a very strong security response at home and abroad.” 

Ding! Ding! Ding! This is the first mention of Islam in an article called ‘Islam Must Reform’.

Step 6: Warn the readers of impending doom.

“We need to be able to deal with terrorists and would-be terrorists here in Australia and to destroy the so-called Islamic State caliphate in Syria and Iraq that’s inspiring them.”

Reference: then US President George Bush Jr declares war on terror on September 20, 2011. [WATCH]

Step 7: Again, alert everyone to the fact that it’s not just *our* problem

“At best [the Abbott-government reforms of amping up anti-terrorism laws, passing legislation to strip dual nationals of Australian citizenship, and bombing Syria] are containing the death cult – but not destroying it. That’s why the US is now sending special operations troops into the Middle East to fight rather than just to advise and train.”

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage… THE DEATH CULT.

Step 8: Link the problem of ISIS to the religion of Islam.

“There needs to be a concerted ‘hearts and minds’ campaign against the versions of Islam that make excuses for terrorists.”

Versions, I tell you. Fucking VERSIONS. Also: “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” – Tony Abbott, 2015.

Step 9: Drive it home that ISIS is a Muslim problem.

“Islam needs to delegitimise the urge to “behead all those who insult the Prophet” but only Muslims can do this. That’s why everyone interested in a safer world should be reaching out to ‘live and let live’ Muslims and encouraging them to reclaims their faith from the zealots.”

I’m coining ‘Abbottsplaining for this one.

Step 10: Love it or leave it.

“It’s not culturally insensitive to demand loyalty to Australia and respect for Western civilisation. Cultures are not all equals. We should be ready to proclaim the clear superiority of our culture to one that justifies killing people in the name of God.”

Everyone is equal, guys, but some are more equal than others, and they not Muslim.


Nope. Nopity-fucking-nope.

Source: Daily Telegraph.

Image: Getty / Stefan Postles.