How was your New Year’s? Fun? Dramatic? Disappointing in the way only an overhyped party occasion can be?
Well, if it was less than you’d hoped it might be, take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t this guy, whose entirely self-inflicted New Year’s Eve humiliation was broadcast to millions on Dutch TV show Top 2000.
Actually, I’m going to take a moment to put a little disclaimer here: if you have a low tolerance threshold for second-hand embarrassment, you are not going to want to play the following video. I mean it. Every time I watch it, another piece of my tattered optimism about life breaks off and floats away into the ether. Your opportunity to save yourself is now.
Okay here we go.
https://twitter.com/ThatRexGuy/status/1079878972622733312
Ohhhhh, buddy. Oh mate. Oh, mate.
That right there is 8 seconds of pure, concentrated, bowel-freezing cringe. Even if it weren’t caught on camera, this would be the kind of thing to wake you up in cold sweats at four in the morning to lie staring at the ceiling and contemplating a name change and a move to Alaska. But it was caught on camera. And it’s been watched 8.36 million times. On Twitter alone.
I need to take a break. Let’s look at some animal friends for a second.
Okay. I’m ready to go on.
First of all: what was this man thinking. What traumatic head injury did he suffer from to make him so confidently attempt to kiss the woman he was standing next to. They must know each other, right? And to know someone usually means you have an inkling of what they might be open to, vis a vis the realm of public kissing?
Secondly: what is he DOING?? He goes in for the kiss, she pulls away, and instead of immediately withdrawing from both kiss-attempt and public life in general, he doubles down and… opens his mouth?
Here we see the face of a woman questioning every choice in her life that brought her to this moment. If only she could go back and do things differently. Maybe she would be working in a florist in Paris right now. How cruelly the hands of fate turn.
In conclusion: no matter how dull or disappointing the start of your 2019 was, in comparison to this pinnacle of cringe, you’re basically Beyoncé. Let’s ride the wave of not being this guy – or, to be fair, this girl – for as long as we can.
