THE BACHELOR: Finale Week Kicks Off With Sexy Touching, Cheap Dates & 1 Ring

IT’S BACHELOR FINALE WEEK, BITCHES. To commemorate the bloodletting, we’ve got our mate Dan Debuf (of 2Day FM‘s Dan & Maz show, der) pumping out recaps so you don’t miss a minute of the Hunger Games show. Enjoy 

We open on our hero, Sam Wood: a typical Aussie bloke with 21 frothing girlfriends.

We’ve seen him experience much deep thoughts near many bodies of water over the past four months, but today is more serious than any other because he’s only allowed to date two chicks after tonight’s ep.
The weather is dark and stormy, just like Woody’s mood.
First up on the date front: Snezana.
She seems the full package, with Mediterranean good looks, a beguiling personality and a name that rhymes with a delicious chickeny pub favourite. Oh, and she has a kid too – STOP FORGETTING WOODY.

After copious exposition we get to the good stuff: a visit to Woody’s totally-not-rented-I-don’t-live-in-a-shoebox-in-Victoria penthouse apartment with epic Sydney Harbour views, followed by a trip to the Opera House for a spot of ballet.
The graceful jerking of a man in a codpiece and a woman in a tutu moves Snezana to tears. Sam pretends to understand what’s going on.
Then it’s back to the penthouse for espresso martinis, which Woody sounds out as eXpresso martinis, prompting me to scream with the rage of a thousand vikings. 
Woody continues to struggle with the concept that Snez has an *actual* human daughter, and can’t return her to any sort of store.
Now it’s time for Lana‘s final stab at Woody’s heart.
ICYMI, Lana entered mid-season, her vibe “Heather but less hipster” and her claim to fame “Besties with Laura Dundovic“. She was an instant hit.
“What do you think we’re doing?,” Woody teases ahead of their rendezvous, despite the fact a giant seaplane with SYDNEY SEAPLANES DOT COM on its side is right fucking there.
“What a dream date we’ve had so far,” gushes Lana, which is strange because so far all they’ve done is sit in said seaplane.
Then they get dragged around on an inflatable device behind a boat – romantic keelhauling? It doesn’t look fun but Lana pretends it is anyway. 

Sam & Lana’s Single Date

Does Lana & Sam’s action-packed single date have hearts a racing?

Posted by The Bachelor Australia on Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Then the XXX stuff begins: they adjourn to the pool, where our lovers snuggle up under a waterslide and Sam ends up with more booty in his hands than a pirate.
“Nah babe, the cameras totally can’t see through water”. 
Now for the third 1-on-1: Sarah‘s.
Sarah borrowed the outfit her mum wore to meet Woody last week, which is cute but proooobably falls under ‘10 guaranteed ways to shrink your man’s boner’
They pile into a horse and carriage, which gives rise to this thought:

Then they sit down to a delightful morning tea, and although Sarah’s mouth looks like it wants to say “I love you”, her eyes are more “Can we please just eat the finger food????.”

The pervading theme here is that Sarah isn’t “open” enough.
My theory? If Heather was “friend-zoned” last week, then Sarah is being “not-open-enough-zoned” right this minute.
It’s pretty obvious based on the fact that five minutes ago Woody was all over Lana’s buttcheeks like a fat kid on a buffet, while the gap between him and Sarah could easily fit a Presidential motorcade or two.
After an ad break, we get a scene change; there’s Sam, igniting the passion of a nation with a quick trip to a jewellery joint called Zamel‘s to buy a cubic zirconia engagement ring, whether he likes it or not.
Because three people does not the traditional end-of-ep cocktail party make, the final moments of Sam time are delivered via Samsung‘s new Product-Placement-O-Matic.
And then we find ourselves back at the Womansion for the final rose ceremony.
Given that (a) Sarah’s date was more devoid of chemistry than my high school subject selections (humanities ftw); and (b) Sarah is the only person saying how “really really really nervous” (direct quote) she is, this was no surprise:

So, with two remaining… who will it be??
As we wait for tonight’s brutal culling, and potential proposal, here’s a video of Snez and Lana giving each other wedding speeches. Cruel? Yes. Informative? Perhaps.
See if you can pick a winner.

Follow Dan Debuf on Twitter, or Dan & Maz HERE.