PEDESTRIAN.TV has partnered with Village Roadshow to help y’all avoid the worst Facebook folk floating ’round – including our mothers. In cinemas August 11, Bad Moms‘ cast – made up of bonafide boothangs like Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell – is what mega lols are made of. You can check out Bad Moms’ Facebook right HERE.
The great MySpace to Facebook transition of two-thousand-and-who-cares-to-remember changed our lives for the better. The attention-grabbing nature of the now-forgotten forum, including the shameless pc4pc bull shite, was thankfully over. In its place was a far more placid interaction with social media – taking shape in the way of a cheeky like here and there. It was a peaceful time. It was a glorious time.
Some people, however, failed to receive the memo.
To do y’all a solid, we’ve profiled five Facebook users that should be avoided like runny dog shit on a sidewalk.
THE PUBLIC DISPLAY OF FACEBOOK AFFECTION-ERS (PDFA)
Rachel can’t remember life without her beloved Sam. It’s now been seven months since their glorious Tinder-prompted meet, and she’s never been happier. Or has she? Rachel can’t tell. Her trust issues leave her awake at night thinking of where Sam’s penis could end up if she doesn’t keep it in a metaphorical cock-cage.
To keep any preying women at bay, Rachel employs the only weapon in her arsenal: a barrage of lovey-dovey Facebook pictures and updates fouler than a babies diaper left to fester in the garbage.
“I need you like I need air,” she spews onto the newsfeed. “You’ve made me the woman I am today. Even though we’ve only been together for just over six months, I know that I’ve found my soulmate. I love you Ben x x x.”
Accompanying this outpouring of emotion is a photo of the couple on a beach with the sun setting in the background. It’s the third time this particular image has been shared by Rachel, as Ben’s willingness to participate in staged shoots has dried up more than their sex life.
THE MANY MUMS OF FACEBOOK
Seeing as there’s far too many mothers to focus on just a few, we asked our mate Alan Tsibulya to highlight the ones we know and love. Check out the below:
THE LIT AF CLUB PROMOTER
“EyooOooOoOo,” Taylor punches into the status box with the enthusiasm of a 15-year-old who’s circumvented their computer’s parental lock system for the first time to access porn.
“Tonight’s going to be soooo L I T, fam. Hmu for VIP / discounted entry.”
Taylor, to the untrained eye, might seem like your stock-standard club promoter, but he’s far more than that. He’s also a DJ in training – hell-bent on delivering bangers “to the crack of dawn, yo” with the same spasmodic movements as David Guetta 13-days deep.
Everyday, Taylor’s mum tells him to get a “real job” because she fails to see the endless opportunities club promotion has to offer. Sure, Taylor admits it’s pretty crappy he’s yet to be paid for his weekly onslaught of statuses, but he earnestly believes his time will come. Sooner or later his hard work has to be recognised, right? Then he’ll be elevated to the prestigious title of manager and all the other promoters will have to kiss his magenta Roshes.
In the interim, Taylor’s pretty stoked with $100 worth of bar cards and having the ability to gain access to his area’s clubs with a simple “sup” nod to the bouncer. Those who’re on the receiving end of his statuses, however, aren’t as keen on his efforts – prompting them to delete him faster than you can say, “half price Redbull and vodkas before 11, bro”.
THE VEGAN ACTIVIST
Jasmine‘s completely valid views toward veganism are lost in an endless amount of agenda-pushing. Facebook, to her, is a cyber soap box – and it’s her duty as a citizen of this beautiful earth to prevent everyone from eating meat.
“We all deserve to live,” she writes, taking the same amount of time to construct her opening remark as the average person takes to vacuum the entirety of their house.
“Let’s make choices as consumers to reduce and end this unnecessary suffering. Plants are amazing. It’s just too easy and wonderful being #vegan!”
In addition to her self-perceived, masterly crafted status, there’s a photo of several pigs caged in a barn. Everyone has their opinions, but not everyone is shoving it down each other’s digital throats. No one likes a daily reminder of how horrible they are, especially when they’ve got a lamb shoulder defrosting on the kitchen sink. When she’s not demanding #action and #change, Jasmine devotes her time to her cyber-punk band whose likelihood of making it is slimmer than a wafer cracker. Because of this, she resides with her parents who she’s quick to berate for leading such a wasteful life – a wasteful life which facilitated her top-shelf education and subsequently allowed her to be this politically inflamed 24/7.
THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT TROLL
Damian has, what he deems, a “fat set-up” in his mother’s basement. In addition to a three-monitor computer, his internet’s faster than a chubby kid running for an ice-cream van (something that Damian’s all-too familiar with). Sure, the main purpose for the zippy connection is for gaming, but it sure does come in handy when Damian’s entangled in a heated debate about Muslims migrating to Australia. Yep, Damian’s a troll – and a damn-decent one at that.
Rounds of COD are broken apart by outbursts of appalling commentary strewn across leftist media outlets that are yet to ban him from their channels. Damian particularly likes picking on upbeat commenters who’ve shared a message of support for whatever political issue happens to be the flavour of the month.
“Ur so DUM!!!!!” he replies to someone’s comment on an article outlining positive steps being made toward marriage equality. “The poofs juz wanna get married so tey can sit on there arses getting centrelink benefits.”
Oh Damian, you’re almost too dumb to function.
If you’re keen on seeing more mum-related lols like the video earlier, then be sure to check out Bad Moms in cinemas August 11.
The movie – starring badass mums IRL, like Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell – celebrates the imperfections of our life-givers, as well as their ability to get down like it’s 1999. If you haven’t seen the trailer, check it out below ’cause it looks decent AF.
If you want to learn more about the flick, then head to Bad Moms’ Facebook page HERE or by using #BadMoms.
Photo: Starter Pack Builder.
