Melbourne researchers are trialling a new male contraceptive implant in a world-first that could, hopefully maybe one day, be used commonly as a “temporary vasectomy”. So, birth control yeah? Yeah.

But “temporary vasectomy” sounds a bit gruesome for the poor widdle boys for what it actually is. Basically, it is a no-scalpel procedure that involves a hydrogel being injected into the vas deferens — the sperm tubes — to prevent the sperm from travelling from the testes.

It’s minimally invasive — unlike an IUD procedure — and doesn’t even need to be removed — unlike an IUD — because the gel just dissolves after about two years.

Epworth Freemasons urologist Professor Nathan Lawrentschuk is the three-year study’s principal investigator and said the hydrogel could be a great non-permanent, long-lasting contraceptive.

“If it is successful, it could be an absolute game-changer, ensuring that contraception is a shared responsibility between couples. There has never been an option like this for men, ever,” he said.

In other good news, Lawrentschuk said he was surprised by the hundreds of Aussie men who registered interest in the trial that only required 25 peens. Maybe they just paid well and times are tough, but hey.

“Initially, when I was approached about the trial I thought what sort of men want this done?” Lawrentschuk said.

“But we have been amazed. We opened up recruitment for this just on social media and the demand was so high we had to close the website down after two days. I was just incredibly fascinated by that. We had hundreds of men doing the screening, and we had to close it down.”

Lawrentschuk said this showed demand for more male-contraceptive options was rising.

“Some women after childbirth can’t have contraception for obvious reasons but they may not want to have a child within a couple of years of having their previous one and this would be a good option for them without them having to go on the pill,” he said.

Yes, thank you.

He also said it could be handy for just regular single dudes who didn’t want to impregnate someone because that responsibility was still all on people with wombs.

The contraceptive pill became available in 1961 and in the 70 years since female contraceptives have improved heaps. We have so many options for oral contraceptives and implants like IUDs and implanon. Admittedly most of them have a lot of shithouse side effects, but relatively speaking it’s been a huge area of growth. The field of male contraception on the other hand is as stagnant as the mozzie-infested water at the bottom of my rainwater tank.

Men have two options: condoms and vasectomies. Two options many seem to loathe.

This hydrogel trial will be the first human study in the world after several successful animal studies which showed no serious risk or safety issues whatsoever.

If it’s good enough for a lab rat, then it’s good enough for the dudes on dating apps.