South Australia Just Unveiled ‘Vertical Consumption’, The New COVID-Safe Way To Get Tanked

In momentous news for the concept of getting shitfaced, South Australian Premier Steven Marshall today rolled out a new way of saying ‘drinking while standing up’, calling the practice “vertical consumption”.


Speaking in Adelaide today, Marshall announced the state’s Transition Committee will relax several coronavirus restrictions applied to the state’s hotels, pubs and clubs.

From midnight on Friday, patrons in outdoors areas will no longer be required to sit down while sinking a cold one, and will be permitted to stand up while throwing back some froths.

“For licensed premises, we will now allow vertical consumption outdoors,” Marshall announced.

“For those licensed premises that have outdoors areas, there can be vertical consumption, whereas previously we have only allowed seated consumption.”

Additionally, Marshall revealed that guests at private functions of up to 150 people will also be permitted to drink and dance.

You beauty.

Those decisions mark a small but notable turning point in the state’s winning battle against the virus, and a slow but steady return to normalcy. It won’t be long until you can all cram back into Reds and wonder how a single floor can become so sticky.

But it’s the phrase “vertical consumption” which has many South Australians so worked up. Since Marshall’s statement, many South Aussies have adopted the phrase as their own, and a fun accompaniment to phrases like “heaps good” or “Port are minor premiers, baby”:

Vertical consumption also leaves open the potential for diagonal consumption, like holding a watered-down VCR while riding the mechanical bull at The Woolshed, or horizontal consumption, like smashing a Zinger Box on the floor of the Hindley Street KFC. But I digress.

As South Australia prepares to vertically consume its famous wines and infamous goons, there are other reasons for the state to celebrate.

The state opened its border with NSW last week, owing to low levels of coronavirus community transmission in both states.

South Australia last recorded new coronavirus cases on September 23, when the virus was detected in two returned travellers in hotel quarantine.

As it stands, South Australia has recorded 468 total cases of coronavirus. Of that number, 464 have recovered.

That sounds like reason to partake in some vertical consumption to me.