Gather round ye mighty and despair for I have journeyed to the abyss and stared at its frost black knowing and whispered yearnings for answers to what it means to live on this cold floating rock.
The abyss whispered back: Qukes. But baby ones. They’re really good. God-tier stuff, man.
Qukes, for the unacquainted (read: uncivilised), are teeny tiny baby cucumbers and my holy maker they are a true game changer for any self-respecting charcuterie board enthusiast.
See, the assembling of a charcuterie board, much like life itself, is an artform. You can’t just haphazardly willy-nilly throw a bunch of random things on a wooden board and call yourself an artiste. What the hell is wrong with you???
Balance that board baby. Make it make sense. Sure, have your various cheeses, your little sliced deli meats, a lil bit of grapes and figs and quince paste if you’re feeling particularly fancy. Crackers of course — but don’t skimp on the quality. Thinly sliced sourdough never goes awry but please do slice it thinly, we are not animals.
Olives and nuts are always welcome, but most of all, you must have the Qukes. My friend, I’m not sure you understand the gravity of the situation here. This is not a negotiation, nor is it some friendly advice. This is a hard talking to. A slap in the face. A wake-up call that you will one day thank me for.
Add Qukes to your charcuterie board or I will personally hunt you down and take you to a gulag purpose-built for people like you — people who lack taste and sophistication and most of all self-respect.
But it is not too late for you, make haste to your local supermarket right now and taste the Quke and experience it fully. You never forget your first time.
But the power of the Quke does not start and end at the borders of a charcuterie board. Quick, easy, healthy, tasty — the Quke will be your salvation for every occasion.
Feeling flat? Add some Qukes.
Bored at work? Qukes.
Stuck in traffic? Whip out some Qukes, turn up some Beyonce, and have yourself a one-person party, my friend.
My time is almost up and I am not one for economy of words so forgive my ramblings but I will leave you with this, my sweet child: next time you prepare your little board of charcuterie, do not forget the Qukes. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If you heed my scripture, nothing but glory and good days await you.
Looking to craft the perfect charcuterie board? Check out this handy recipe hub which includes some great vego and summer snacking options.
