Disability Pride Month first began in 1990 with the passing of the Americans with disabilities act on the 26th of July 1990. It runs during the month of July every year, with the aim of promoting and celebrating disability and a sense of pride within having a disability.
It’s also a time to elevate our voices, share our experiences and achievements and focus on how we can make change and eliminate ableism in our society.
I acquired my disability four years ago as a result of cancer, and because I had lived 21 years of my life as an able-bodied person, I will be the first one to admit that I had internalised ableism myself.
There is such a negative stigma and connotation around the word “disabled” or “disability”. It has a history that is associated with shame, which I felt myself the second I became disabled. Not because I was now disabled, but because of the way it is perceived. I had to unlearn my internalised ableism and what disability meant to me, to then accept the fact that I was now disabled.
It wasn’t until I asked one of my friends if she would ever date someone with one leg — her response was yes. So, I challenged her and asked if she would have the same response before I had my leg amputated. Her was response was no.
She really went out on a limb with that one, I know, but it was then that I realised if I could change her mind about disability, I could change others as well.
Disability Pride is a chance to not only remind folks that people who have a disability are worthy and valuable, it is also about educating others on how to stamp out ableism.
So, I am sharing my top three tips when engaging with people of a disability.
1. Stop saying: “I feel so bad for you”
Many people who have a disability don’t want you to feel bad for them, sad for them or remorseful about it.
Look at it this way: everyone has struggles in their life, whether they have a disability or not. Saying things like, “I feel bad for you” or “That’s so sad” not only implies that having a disability is a bad or a sad thing, it continues to reiterate that having a disability is seen as not worthy, invaluable and pretty much the worst possible thing to happen.
It is important that we stop associating the word “disability” with something negative or unpleasant.
Some may be less comfortable or haven’t yet accepted their disability, so constantly hearing this reiterates that they should feel a certain way about themselves. It makes it harder to accept.
And one thing I think about here is that time when Scott Morrison said he was blessed to not have disabled kids and that is just a classic example.
2. Stop asking: “What happened to you / What’s wrong with you?”
This is mostly used as a first point of conversation, and we usually have people that we do not know approach us in social settings or online and ask this question straight away.
Firstly, there is nothing “wrong” with a person who has a disability, whether it is a visible or invisible disability.
Asking questions isn’t a bad thing. We are human and we are curious, we get it.
But it’s often the first thing that they ask someone with a disability when having a conversation. In any conversation, asking questions that can be very personal is not okay, especially if it is the first time you have met them.
Doing this also implies that the first thing you noticed about them was their disability.
Secondly, some people may have a disability because of a traumatic event. Constantly having to relive, retell or share that story can be extremely traumatic.
Remember that.
So, how can you ask?
Asking questions about someone’s disability isn’t a bad thing. Just like every conversation, there is a time and a place.
As you get to know someone better, you or them may start to talk about their disability or if it’s something they brought up, it may be your chance to ask if you have any questions; try and take cues from the person.
My best advice is that if you feel uncomfortable asking, don’t ask.
3. Don’t be the able-bodied saviour i.e. “I’ll do that for you / I will help you/ No, you can’t do that — I will”
Okay so this one isn’t so much a question, it’s more of a demand, which almost makes it worse.
You might think this last one sounds a bit silly or maybe a bit picky, but it is one to be mindful of as it is still acceptable to say to someone with a disability.
Often people devalue our abilities, or say this when trying to be helpful which can be super helpful at times, but it can also be quite frustrating when people assume that we always need help. And it can decrease our self-esteem and make us feel like we can’t do things without someone’s help.
So, when should you ask for help?
Don’t assume that someone needs help. If they do, they will simply ask for it.
Or if you can see that they are trying to do something and struggling with it, then that is your time to ask if you can help.
It is important you don’t assume we cannot do things, as often we have learned to adapt to meet our needs.
James Parr is a proud Wiradjuri man, activist, model and writer. Follow him on Instagram.
