Cops In Peru Found A Fkn Mummy In A Food Delivery Driver’s Cooler Bag & Sir, I Ordered A Big Mac

Brendan Fraser in The Mummy carrying blue cooler bag with Egyptian mummy wrapped in linen poking out

In today’s edition of “sentences I didn’t expect to write today but that’s just how the cookie crumbles”, cops in Peru found a literal mummy, preserved corpse and all, inside a food delivery driver’s cooler bag.

I’m just gonna say it: I’d be mighty pissed if I ordered ramen and instead received a mummified corpse. Call me unreasonable but that simply wouldn’t satisfy my hunger.

But alas, I digress. You’re here to find out why on Earth a mummy was being chauffeured around Peru.

Well, per Al Jazeera, the mummified corpse is called Juanita. Quite a delightful name for the old girl, if I do say so myself.

Juanita’s “owner” and/or “daddy” is Julio Cesar, who told the publication his family has been in possession of her dusty corpse for 30 years.

Cesar said his family once tried to donate Juanita to a local museum but this evidently failed because the fella started to grow quite fond of the decrepit lass.

“There’s my bed, the TV and next to it, there’s Juanita,” he said.

“I take care of it.”

I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum but I’m gagging to know what kind of care Juanita requires beyond, like, normal conservation practices? Patching her up, sticking her in a temperature-controlled room, CT scans and the like. I’m sure Julio Cesar is lovely but I don’t think Juanita wants to watch Midsomer Murders in bed with him.

“It’s like, if you’ll pardon my expression, as if it were my spiritual girlfriend,” Cesar continued.

I think that one sort of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Not much more I can add there.

Cesar took Juanita out to meet his friends, as one does, and as he’s a food delivery driver he decided to transport her in one of his cooler bags. I hope it was her designated bag and not one that he uses to whizz Big Macs around because, again, I’d be pissed.

Cops approached the group because they were drinking in public and found Juanita. I bet they weren’t expecting to come across a mummified corpse when they asked: “What’s in the bag?” LOL.

In truly devastating news, which proves that all cops truly are bastards, the pigs seized Juanita and handed her over to the Ministry of Culture of Peru (a government body which is responsible for promoting and protecting the country’s culture).

I mean, according to Al Jazeera, Juanita likely dates back to the ancient Inca Empire, which collapsed in 1572. That mummy should abso-fucking-lotely be in the safe hands of conservation specialists who can preserve her ‘cos this discovery is remarkable.

But also, I’ll never forgive the cops for breaking up Cesar and his spiritual boo thang. Pouring one out for you, brother.

Spiritual GF aside, what I want to know is how the fuck did Cesar’s family come to be in possession of an ancient Inca mummy? Thirty years is a mighty long time to have that lass banging about the house.

Also, why did the museum not want her? To quote The Master of Disguise, was she not corpsey enough for their corpse club? We’ll never know!

Praying this whole hullabaloo doesn’t anger the ancient Inca gods and they retaliate by way of natural disasters, curses and the like. Wouldn’t want that, would we?