Today in ‘I guess this is where we’re at now’ news, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has taken to Twitter to advise his followers that if they can’t find toilet paper, corn on the cob makes a perfectly acceptable substitute. Take a moment to let that sink in then we’ll continue.

Several hours ago, Huckabee wrote: “Those of us from [the] rural south know how to handle toilet paper shortage. Eat more corn on the cob! The corn isn’t important, but the cobs are free and work great! (Just don’t flush them!) You’re welcome!”

We have SEVERAL questions, including but not limited to:

  • Why?
  • What terrible thing is happening in Arkansas that inspired Mike Huckabee to tweet this as a distraction?
  • How the fuck would that even work?

No, but really, which part of the corn is he even talking about? At a guess, he’s referring to the outer husk, which has a papery texture, but we can’t rule out the possibility that he’s talking about the inner cob, the part that gets exposed after the juicy kernels are eaten.

That part of the corn cob is covered in ridges, and I guess that if you were to take that and wipe vigorously back to front, you’d kind of get the job done? Maybe you start with the cob then move on to wiping with the husk for the finishing touches?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’m now suddenly wondering if the whole corn cob thing is actually a great idea and I’m the one being unreasonable here. Week one in isolation is going great, folks!

Last month, Mike Huckabee made headlines when he said that President Donald Trump could “personally suck” the coronavirus out of every infected person in the world and still get bad press, which is an upsetting mental image that you now get to share too:

Image: Getty Images / Spencer Platt / iStock / Whitemay