There are a lot of embarrassing things that can happen to you in life. Having your pants fall down in the middle of Myer. Saying “orgasm” instead of “organism” in your Year 8 science class. Being WA Premier Mark McGowan and getting roasted alongside mining freak Clive Palmer by a Federal Court judge ‘cos your defamation trial was a flop. It’s swings and roundabouts, really.

The duo has been embroiled in a bitter defamation battle that came to an end on Tuesday. Federal Court Justice Michael Lee awarded McGowan $20,000 and Palmer $5000 in damages respectively, per WAToday. But not before he told both men they had, in essence, behaved like petulant little school children who’d wasted everyone’s time and were going the right way for a smacked bottom. So to speak.

“The game has not been worth the candle,” he said.

“These proceedings have not only involved considerable expenditure by Mr Palmer and the taxpayers of Western Australia, but have also consumed considerable resources of the Commonwealth.

“At a time when public resources devoted to courts are under strain, and judicial resources are stretched, one might think that only a significant interference or attack causing real reputational damage and significant hurt to feelings should be subject of an action for defamation by a political figure.”

Brooooooooooo. My mans Lee really said: “Come back to me when you’re actually screaming, crying and throwing up because someone was mean to you”.

I would be so embarrassed. You would never catch my face in public ever again.

If you need a refresher on the fable of the State Daddy (Mark McGowan) and the Musty Mining Marshmallow (Clive Palmer), it all started in 2020 when WA said “bye!” to the rest of Australia and shut its border. Palmer didn’t like that and went to the High Court, deeming the state’s hard border closure to be unconstitutional.

During a presser in 2020, McGowan called Palmer an “enemy of the state” for tattling to the High Court to try and overturn WA’s hard border policy. Palmer then launched a defamation case against McGowan in the Federal Court, saying McGowan’s comments brought him into “hatred, ridicule and contempt”.

But wait! There was yet another court battle on the go! In 2021, Palmer also literally tried to sue the entire state of Western Australia for up to $30 billion because he thought decisions made about his iron ore project in the Pilbara lost him money. McGowan then counter-sued Palmer over comments he made about this little mining situation.

Say what you will about Palmer but the man loves going to court. After doing a smattering of court reporting in my uni days I personally couldn’t think of anything worse but, alas. He is but expired, home brand cottage cheese and I am a glistening tub of Meredith Dairy marinated goat cheese.

Source: Getty Images / Stefan Postles & Getty Images / Matt Jelonek