If there’s one thing the Australian media delivers consistently – aside from hysterical weekly articles about how many Asian students there are in selective schools these days – it is completely deranged financial advice.

The internet is lit up today with commentary on one particularly bonkers article – a book excerpt in Mamamia with the absolutely alluring title ‘Simone was $187,000 in debt. Within two years, she had paid it off.’ It’s alluring, because you know that it will contain only the soundest recommendations.

It’s an excerpt from Simone Milasas’ book Getting Out of Debt Joyfully, and it is now accompanied by a fat disclaimer that informs readers that it is “one person’s experience and should be treated as such”

The article kicks off with what I reckon is fairly solid advice. You read this and you might think that Milasas has got a real sensible head for personal finance.

One of the first important money tools I would like to give you is putting away 10 percent of everything you earn, 10 per cent of every single dollar, euro, pound, or whatever currency you create. You are not setting it aside to pay bills with. You are not saving it for a rainy day. It is not for when you run out of money. It is not to pay a big bill that is upcoming. It is not to help a friend out. It is not for buying Christmas presents. It is for none of those things!

Okay, nice! That’s probably helpful advice if you find it hard to put any money in savings. I’m sure there isn’t a completely insane justification for why –

When you pay the bills first, the universe says, “Oh, okay. This person wishes to honour their bills. Let’s give them some more bills.” If you honour yourself by setting aside 10 per cent first, the universe says, “Oh, they are willing to honour themselves. They are willing to have more,” and it responds to that. It gives you more.

[…]

Start it today. The thing is, this is not logical or linear. You can do the maths around it, but this is not computable. Energetically, the universe starts to contribute to you as well and you start to have money show up in the most random places.

Hmm, ok. Putting 10% of every dollar you earn in savings? Probably a good start. Putting 10% of every dollar away because it wills the universe into giving you more money? Not sound advice.

But don’t worry – it gets wilder. Recommendation two is less likely to make you rich and more likely to make you a victim of a violent crime: carry $1000 on you at all times. 

How different would you feel about your life if you saw a big wad of cash every time you opened your wallet or purse instead of a lot of blank space and some scrunched up receipts? What if you enjoyed having money in there? Carry around the amount of cash that you think a wealthy person would carry.

I can tell you something right now: wealthy people actually do not carry around $1000 in cash at all times, because there is literally no reason to do it and it makes you immediately prone to losing exactly $1000. It’s ok – this point is addressed, by Milasas suggesting that losing your cash would actually be good for you.

Some people balk at the idea, thinking, “What if I get mugged, or lose my wallet or purse?” I had a young friend who carried about 1800USD on her at all times and lost her purse. It wasn’t very nice for her at the time, but after that, she was much more willing to be aware of her money!

I’m having a real tough time finding excerpts that are particularly wild, save for just republishing the entire article, but bear with me for point number 3. Milasas suggests that the third technique which will guarantee savings is to, uh, hoard gold and luxury trinkets.

I have purchased lots of gold and silver with my 10 per cent account and it’s fun for me. I have a safe in my house where I keep a lot of my gold and silver. 

Things like sterling silver flatware are great liquid assets because they are aesthetically beautiful items you can actually use which will contribute to creating a feeling of wealth and luxury in your life. Isn’t it much nicer to drink champagne out of beautiful crystal, or a sterling silver goblet rather than plain glass or plastic? I know it is for me!

Btw, I’m saving 10% of all my money so I can raise $1000, carry it around with me at all times, and then use that $1000 to buy silver goblets. I am now a finance genius.

As you might imagine, the response to this article was mooooooostly bafflement.

Just kidding. Everyone above is a hater who doesn’t know how to make money. Confirmed.

Source: Mamamia.

Photo: The Dark Knight.