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Ew: Adultery. Totally gross, immoral and uncalled for. Our society would be so much better off without it.

WAIT! Did I say adultery? I meant adulthood. *Shudders into another dimension*.

Being an adult is only hard because someone long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away wrote the adulty rules and for some reason we still hold each other accountable for such rules today. If we don’t conform to them, we are automatically seen as childish and classless, like automatic fails on a driving test. These rules include but are not limited to:

Don’t

  • Cry at the grocery store
  • Wear a tutu to the bank

Do

  • Have a full time job
  • Opt for wine over drinks you enjoy

I call B.S. on these rules. I wear a tutu to the bank all the time and I am a very classy adult. It’s a long, dark pink tutu and I wear it with a nice black cardigan and heels. You see, it’s all about the execution.

The correct execution will blast any of those above rules to smithereens. So let me tell you, opting for wine over other drinks you enjoy better, does not a classy adult make. Join me in proving this to your friends who will in turn prove this to their friends and hopefully we can phase this whole wine thing out by summer.

So, without further ado, here’s how to host the classiest, adultiest picnic that would make the Queen herself have FOMO, without having to even pretend to like the adulty nectar they call ‘wine’.

Cheers to that.

1. Prepare A Cheeky Charcuterie Board

Oh, I’m sorry! Was that word too classy for you? It’s French for delicatessen. Still not with me? It’s a picking platter with cheeses and deli-like things. Olives, fruits, nuts, crackers, dips, meats (vegetarian friendly or not – no judgement here). You can let your imagination run wild with you really, but best to keep the lollies / chocs off this board for maximum classy adult points. Of course remember a cutting board, knives for dips and serviettes / paper towels. Throwing your rubbish in the correct bins is among the classiest and sexiest things anyone could possibly do.

This board is low key everyone’s favourite thing about your gathering. It’s like the ice sculpture that the party happens around. It will hold people there a lot longer and most importantly it will help keep things sensible.

2. Rethink Your Drinks

It’s 2020! There are selections, try them! Wine picnic? Done to death and calorific as hell. Not to mention you have to bring glasses which is a) a disaster when you are bringing actual glasses, and b) sooo not environmentally cool if you are bringing plastic ones. A topsaroo alternative to wines are canned seltzers -(the absolute drink of the moment, will go with whatever food you pack and of course trés recyclable). You can check out Dan Murphy’s wide new range here if you want to take a look through. Their flavours range from your usual suspects like lime / lemon / raspberry to more fancy numbers like blood orange, Davidson Plumb, ginger and passionfruit. They are light, sparkly and very, very sexy (like you). It’s my personal guarantee you will love. 

3. Invest In An Esky

At the risk of sounding like Paul Hogan, an esky is both a picnic and Aussie household must. It will quickly prove its worthwhile you and your friends are still enjoying icy cold beverages 4 hours into your sun-drenched picnic.

I hate to state the obvious but no one likes a lukewarm drink, nobody. Without an esky, your picnic will be a ticking time bomb, finito the moment those drinks in your backpack lose their chill – which gives you about five minutes in this sweltering climate-crisis heat. A hostess with the mostess would never hit the picnic scene without one. #hardfacts #quickmaths.

4. Atmosphere, b!

A wireless bluetooth speaker will do wonders for your picnic vibes. I like to create a playlist and put it on shuffle but also take requests and put them in the queue. I won’t tell you what kind of music to play because that is absolutely up to you – it’s just highly important that it’s there. Remember to charge your speaker, or you’ll learn it the hard way.

Yah you’re an adult but bring a game – it’s fun, especially when you’ve had a couple. I held a spelling bee recently and it was way more fun than anticipated. Other picnic games could be ASAP or charades – which you can just download on the app store.

5. Dress The Part

They say, dress for the job you want not the job you have. Same goes for your picnic. You can give your picnic any sort of flavour with the correct outfit. Romantic? Girls day out? 1920s vibes? Why not? Give your friends the heads up so they aren’t pissed you’re the only cutie there – you don’t want to lose friends, lol.

Most importantly feeling good about yourself and your ‘fit just makes you enjoy your day better. Plus, you’ve got to be prepared to appear in the background of numerous insta-stories your friends will naturally make of the killer cheese board.

A sexy hat, sunnies & sunscreen are a must, always pack your swimmers or wear them underneath too.

6. Count. Your. Drinks.

Perhaps the most important rule to keep your boozy picnic classy is to count your standard drinks. Getting over buzzed in the park is just not cute in any way, shape or form, let me tell you. Drinking in the sun also leads to increased intoxication so you need to be extra careful. Take it slow when drinking during the day, there are plenty of hours still to go so no need to rush it. Needless to say, pack waters for everyone or tell them to bring bottles. There will be a bubbler or tap close by.

See, it’s easy to be a classy adult without abiding by all the rules! Happy Spring, happy picnicking, please invite me!

Image: Cruel Intentions