I’m calling it: this season of The Bachelorette has been some of the greatest reality television viewing in Australian history.
For starters: Sophie Monk.
Need we say more? No, we needn’t, but here goes anyway. The ex-Bardot star has proven to be a charming, down to earth, funny as fuck front woman who has dealt with all manner of fuckboyeth behaviour with style and grace.
She’s a ripping chick deserving of kisses, marriage and a baby in a carriage. And folks, as sad as it is to say, the journey towards these three fabled inevitabilities is drawing to a close with the much-anticipated finale airing tonight.
The last two men standing?
We’ve got 44-year-old multi-millionaire and actually daddy Stu Laundy:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BaqrGcUgJgB/?taken-by=stulaundy44
And 31-year-old vineyard manager Jarrod Woodgate:
But all of that, you already knew.
What you mightn’t know is that, according to Wikipedia, Woodgate has already won.
Yep.
Someone has been editing the ‘The Bachelorette (Australia season 3)’ wiki page to suggest Woodgate is, indeed, the winner of Sophie’s heart.
don’t worry soph hun we will get to the bottom of this mess
It just can’t be true.
How the hell could this bloke win after he threw that spine-tinging tanty about his pissy pot plant?! Do you remember that Sophie?! Are you sure you still have functional ovaries after that disturbing incident?
We digress.
While we must point out we at PEDESTRIAN.TV have absolutely no inside word as to who wins the series, we have a gut feeling it’s not the guy who cried while wearing a giraffe onesie.
We also have reason to speculate that it is, in fact, him who is toying with Wikipedia.
Let us present you the damning evidence. *dun dun*
Exhibit A:
On all the Bachelor / Bachelorette wiki pages, there’s a ‘Call-Out Order’ section which highlights who has been eliminated in chronological order.
As you will see in the ‘Colour Key’, a green box suggests who has won the competition, and a red spells elimination. Low and behold, a green box next to the man who grows creeping vines for a living and is, coincidentally, a creepy stage-five clinger himself:
The tampering does not end there. It turns out someone has been fiddling with Sophie Monk’s Wikipedia page as well.
Around 11am this morning, we checked out Monk’s page which featured the following little nugget of evidence, featured here in Exhibit B.
Exhibit B:
U wot
It would seem that in the hours since, someone has deleted this little excerpt from Monk’s page. But we saw it. It happened.
Of course, we take our jobs as hard hitting reporters of reality tv news very seriously. And that’s why we spent this morning tracking down the IP address of the changes.
Turns out the edits were made at The Rocks in Sydney via a mobile device, as pictured below in damning Exhibit C.
Exhibit C:
After some sniffing around, we discovered that the changes were made to Wiki around midnight last night. While the pinpoint appears to be floating in the literal harbour, there’s a fair chance the trickster made these edits while knee-deep in a few frofflits at a nearby pub.
“But wait a minute!” We hear you scream.
“Isn’t Laundy a publican?! Maybe it was him making the edits from one of his various harbourside pubs?!”
We spent some more time on the Googs and gleaned that the nearest pubs owned by Laundy are Hotel William in Darlinghurst and the Quarryman’s Hotel in Pyrmont, pictured here in Exhibit D.
Exhibit D:
You see, that’s clearly proof it could have in no way been Laundy, right?!
Now, back to evidence as to why it was definitely possibly Woodgate.
Woodgate’s general demeanour throughout the show has been… how do we put this… slightly off-putting. Watching him interact with Sophie is a little like watching a dog try really hard to lick its own balls. It’s messy and uncomfortable, for everyone.
Sure, he clearly has serious feelings for Sophie, but it’s a little too Nespresso Lungo Intenso for our liking.
He has confessed his love for Sophie on numerous occasions. Each time, she responds with a polite “thank you” and compliments him on being a “nice” guy. A nice guy, which we all know is basic girl code for cool your jets, turbo.
We have compiled a few of Woodgate’s thirstiest moments here in Exhibit E.
Exhibit E:
the way he cranks this hog
Can someone please pick him up. He has fallen.
Our sixth and final piece of evidence hides in plain sight, and is perhaps the most damning of all.
Throughout the series, Woodgate has been overly concerned with reminding everyone how competitive he is. He routinely describes how much he hates to lose. “Spit on your hand, boys. Get ready to shake it,” was what he demanded of his fellow contestants do when the intruders showed up.
Now, a common trait most people overly concerned with winning have is the tendency to be sore losers.
i’m a chill guy !! ??? !!11?
And what do sore losers do when they’re drunk at the pub? They change Wikipedia pages.
Case closed.
