Dolphin Body Slams Stand-Up Paddleboarder Off WA Coast Signalling Uprising

Footage has emerged today of a rogue dolphin, travelling as part of a pod – uh huh, the collective noun for dolphins is ‘pod’, we’re always learning things here at PEDESTRIAN.TV – body slammed a stand-up paddleboarder clean off his board in Gracetown, a coastal town 270 kilometres south of Perth.

We will let you reckon with this before we go into its potential implications:

Like the dolphin clean took him out, and then the guy just kinda swam off and hopped back on his board like it ain’t no thang. Well it’s a thang. The internet has decided it is 100% a thang.

For me, this only confirms my fear justified only by that Simpsons Halloween episode from like 2000 that dolphins are not in fact friendly guys who like swimming with hoomans and frolicking and whatnot, but are actually savage af.

This one dolphin, with all his dolphin bros, surfing a wave on the WA coast like the coolest kids at school rolling up to class via Maccas Drive-Thru on a Monday morning, sees a guy a-paddling towards them and thinks ‘Yeah, nah,’ and deliberately knocks him off his board. That is the behaviour of a delinquent.

Good bloke Andrew Hill, the 54-year-old victim of the cunning and I’m willing to presume heaps shredded dolphin, reckons the pod were herding fish and he was in the way.

We present his full statement forthwith:

One of them for some reason decided to jump out of the water and took me out quite well, in a fairly legal hit on the shoulder, I think. Hats off to him, he collected me really well.”

The world truly is a dangerous place.