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There’s three reasons why you’re reading this:

  1. You’re Struggletown’s newest resident and only have mere hours to submit an assignment – an assignment that currently falls short of its expected word limit.
  2. You’re aware you’ll end up in Struggletown sometime soon and are chasing some tips to keep up your sleeve (re: hitting that word count).
  3. You’re retrospectively looking for advice that you should’ve used in your uni heydays.

Firstly, we’d like to warn you that this isn’t an article designed to help you cop a HD. This is an article that’s designed to help the most desperate of students barely fucking scrape through. Like, if your entire degree is riding on a particular assignment, or if you place a lot of value in your marks (lol why doe), then click outta this faster than it takes for your mum to blowup when you left her tupperware at school. We’re of the ‘Ps get degrees’ persuasion and fucking proud of it. 

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

If you’re still with us, here are five truly ludicrous ways that may / may not aid in reaching your assignment’s word count.

1. LENGTH *DOES* MATTER

Even though your lecturers are all about, “How you should only use appropriate quotes of short length,” you need to throw that advice out like a soiled pair of undies. They don’t know what’s up. Like, if they did, wouldn’t they be working in the industry they’re teaching you about, rather than critiquing your shitty essay? 

We’re hoping / praying that you’ve already included a few quotes already. Go back to their source, find a few more, copy and paste ’em then attribute them. Logic would suggest that if you’re struggling to hit your word count, then you’ve got zero idea what you’re waffling on about. Dr Boringfart from Nerds-R-Us University, the writer of your hefty quotes, does. Be sensible and lean on their knowledge.

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

Will you lose marks? Sure, but it won’t be many. Besides, you’re beyond the point of no return now. Deal with it. 

2. BE A PARROT 

Those academic papers ‘n whatnot have a habit of being written in a way that’s barely understandable, right? Do your tutor (and yourself) a favour by paraphrasing the juicy quotes you’ve whacked in into words that even your cooked mate Kev could wrap his head around. 

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

3. USE BIG PEOPLE WORDS

Crack open the ol’ thesaurus and highlight your mad academic skills by using words that only the big kids know. They’re usually a lot larger than your basic lingo, and should help chew up a few hundred words when used correctly. 

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

Copy and paste every fifth word into your magical thesaurus and scope out longer alternates to swap them out for. Could this be more time consuming then buckling down and legit doing your assignment? Perhaps – but as if you’re in the mind-frame to do that anyway. 

4. BE A PARROT AGAIN, SO YOU CAN BE A PARROT 

Made a good point in your essay? Make sure it’s clearly communicated by jotting it down again (and perhaps, again after that). 

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

For example: “I’m trying to reach my word limit because I don’t want to fail this unit, which I’ll fail if I don’t reach my world limit.”

Simples.

5. ABANDON ALL HOPE

There’s this age-old hack for getting around a word count, which thanks to those darn technological advancements, may / may not be as effective as it used to be. If you do this, prepare to get shat on by your tutor. Then again, prepare to feel like a fucking legend if you get away with it. 

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

Add a few extra sentences at the end of your essay and change the text colour to white. If whoever’s marking it does so on Word / a similarly basic word processor, and if their Word doesn’t pick up any typos (‘cos that red underline will blow your cover real quick), you might just get away with hitting that count. 

Our suggestion (to potentially soften a tutors wrath if they become privy to what you’ve done) is to not just write any old random yarn. Instead, write down a bunch of compliments about ’em, like: 

“Your hair looked amazing on Thursday!!!!” 

 

“I wish I looked as good as you at 8AM! What’s your secret? D I S H.”

“Your own professional journey has inspired my own – sometimes your guidance is all that keeps me on track.”

“I’m so sorry for trying to trick you. If you care about me in the slightest, you’ll turn a blind eye to this indiscretion pls.”

Cooked Ways To Hit Your Assignment’s Word Count If You’re Beyond Desperate

It might – MIGHT – be enough of a contingency to help your desperate-ass get away with it. 

Now go forth, you beautiful idiot, and polish the turd that is your assignment into something halfway legible / passable. We’re rooting for you.

After you’ve hit submit, you should head on over to the V Skills site HERE for more erryday workarounds. They’ve got advice on everything, from applying sunscreen to smoke bombing, that’ll make you a bit better at life – something which (judging by the fact you’ve read this whole article) you could probably make good use of.

Photo: Bruce Almighty.