A bunch of wastewater testing has figured out which Australian cities have been most under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol and there are certainly a few surprises. The drug and alcohol use data was produced by the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission.

It’ll come as no surprise that Sydney has retained its snow-white crown as the nation’s cocaine capital. If my car runs on unleaded 91, Sydney runs on $350 bags.

Sydney churned through approximately 800mg of cocaine for every 1,000 noses daily as per the Sydney Morning Herald.

Tied for the silver medal were Melbourne and Brisbane which both clocked in at around 450mg per 1,000 noses. I’ve always thought of Melbourne as more of a ketamine city so this stacks up in my mind.

Meanwhile, behind in both timezone and cocaine intake per capita was Perth at a measly 102mg per 1,000 schnozes.

Pivoting from drug chat towards the liquids department, Darwin managed to take home the chocolates. And by “chocolates” I suppose I mean “slab of beer”.

Darwin put an eye-watering 2933 standard drinks down the hatch per 1,000 mouths.  Crikey, this place goes hard. I guess when it’s bloody 35 degrees every day you’d probably feel like a cool-down beer.

Hobart came in at a close second with 2142. Be careful out there, mates!

These same two capital cities also smoked their way through the most nicotine in Australia as approximately 3500 cigarettes per 1,000 people on the daily. I have a sneaky feeling all those “I only smoke when I drink” people have been bumping those numbers up.

Sydney, Adelaide, Melbourne, Canberra and Perth did similar numbers ranging between 875-1200 standard drinks per 1,000 residents.

In a surprising move, Brisbane was declared the most gacked capital city in Australia consuming about 470mg of MDMA daily per thousand residents.

Melbourne and Darwin came in at a distant second with 190mg followed by Sydney in third.

So there you have it, folks. The infamous drug and alcohol use Olympics are over for another year.

What a ride we’ve all been on. Remember, always look after your mates and always get chips with your kebab.

Image: Getty by Peter Dazeley