It’s been thoroughly and repeatedly established that Florida is a place where no one should live; a place that, from all the evidence, appears to exist half in this dimension, and half in the dimension depicted in Event Horizon, populated by monsters, racists and people who want to eat your face for fun.
Pictured: normal day in Florida.
The latest in the ongoing saga of You Shouldn’t Live In Florida is this chilling reptilian tale, in which a gigantic fucking alligator casually committed a break-and-enter into someone’s actual kitchen. Florida: you shouldn’t live there!!!
The Clearwater Police Department have released audio from a 3am 911 call in which a woman frantically tries to explain to the dispatch officer that yes, an actual living 3.5 metre alligator had somehow appeared in her kitchen and could they please get it the fuck out, thanks.
I have a gigantic alligator who came in through my garage and is sitting in my kitchen. A huge one. I don’t know how it got here, but it’s here.
I shut the door and am in my bedroom. I’m not leaving here till you get here.
Wise move, lady.
Luckily for the unwilling cast member of Jurassic Park: Why Did You Move To Florida, the cops were already on their way, as a woman on her newspaper run had already noticed a giant fucking alligator making moves on the house.
Police and an alligator trapper (of course that’s a job) found that the tenacious crocodilian had made its way into the house through some alligator-level windows in the kitchen, which seems like a huge design oversight but okay.
Tragically, while being captured, the recalcitrant gator knocked over the lady’s wine shelf, smashing a bunch of bottles. RIP to the real victims of this story: the booze.
Aside from the wine, no-one was injured in the Evergladian escapade (well, the gator had a couple scratches), and the alligator was relocated to a safe location to recover from what police called “a traumatic experience“.
Yes, it’s the alligator who is traumatised here. Of course.
Watch the wildly entertaining video uploaded by the police department below, and thank your lucky stars all we have to contend with in Australia is giant pythons, aggressive swans and spiders the size of our faces.
