I was pretty mad at Kylie last week for allowing Johnny to sweep through to the finals while sexy, scruffy beard-haver Robbie and person who is rapidly transforming into the Black Swan Kat had to fight it out for Australia’s votes and approval. In fairness, though, Kylie’s been having a tough time of it lately – she loves everyone and everything and the pressure of seeing her team winnowed down one by one, week by week, is getting to her.
7:33: “There’s nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide,” Kylie tells Robbie in the opening clip package, and I’m not sure if she’s talking about the pressure of the competition or her amorous affections, but either way, things are going to get dramatic. We cut to visuals of the Voice hopefuls looking terrified on a red carpet, and Jackson is making his trademark sustained, intense eye contact with the camera.
7:38: Oh holy shit guys, The Madden Brothers are performing tonight. This is not a drill.
7:39: Team Ricky are up first, and this week, for whatever reason, his team are giving him makeovers. He looks blissful, as Sabrina Batshit and Elly fight it out to see who gets to rub conditioner into his beautiful hair. The results of the vote are up first, and Australia, you chose to save Sabrina. I am very happy with you and also very relieved.
7:42: Sabrina gets to perform first, and Ricky has chosen Florence‘s ‘Spectrum for her. Her outfit is … really something tonight. She’s silver and sparkly and has a pretty serious Gina Gershon in Showgirls vibe and it’s intense. Her vocal is characteristically strong, although her high notes are a little rough compared with previous weeks, but overall, she still kills it. She has mad coke nails. will tells her she gave 1000 percent out of 100, which is classic will hyperbolic bullshit, although not inaccurate.
7:56: Jackson is up next for Team Ricky, and is singing ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ for a friend who survived a serious neck injury, because of course he is. As usual, his beautiful blue eues bore right into the camera and/or your soul throughout his performance. His blue suit is really making them pop. Sparklers erupt behind him for some reason, even though the song doesn’t necessarily call for such a thing, and everyone gives a standing ovation. Vocally, he’s super polished. He’s a bit dull but he’s definitely staying.
7:59: Wow, we’re not fucking around tonight. We’re getting right onto the voting. The Voice ran for about a million hours last week, so clearly someone at Channel Nine has been cracking the whip, telling will to keep his platitudes to a minimum. Nonetheless, will manages to tell Jackson that his performance “brought the fireworks” – BECAUSE THERE WERE LITERALLY FIREWORKS. Australia votes, and as predicted, Jackson and his beautiful, creepy, weird eyes are staying.
8:02: Elly‘s concession speech is very gracious. She assures everyone that she’s not going to give up music, in spite of this crushing loss. That’s classic Elly. I hope she keeps singing from morning until 9pm, and maybe even beyond.
8:09: Kylie, who is serving up some safari realness tonight in head-to-toe zebra print, is up next. The result of the vote is up first, and Australia, this week, you favourited Kat. Losing the kitty at ears and turning into Natalie Portman was literally the best thing that ever happened to her. Kat is weeping backstage because she feels she let Kylie down last week, but on stage, she’s all creepy confidence. She’s performing Lady Gaga‘s ‘Telephone’ inside a telephone booth, surrounded by a group of scantily-clad dancers. Vocally, she’s pretty strong, and her backing boy dancers are pulling their most intense concentration faces, as if they’re seconds away from soiling their spiffy white overalls.
8:20: Did Joel just reference Mary Katherine Gallagher from SNL in relation to Kat? Dude just went way up in my estimation.
8:23: It turns out that Robbie is quite the actor, so much so that Kylie is reenacting Charlene and Scott scenes with him backstage. It’s a special and magical moment but I’m stressing the fuck out, because it could all be over for Robbie and his beautiful beard tonight. His performance of The Temper Trap‘s ‘Love Lost’ is characteristically pretty strong, and his vocals are more than a little Chris Martin-y. He goes down and hugs Kylie at the end of his performance, because apparently, The Voice has utterly suspended its ‘no touching’ rule this week.
8:27: Kylie is PISSED. Through gritted teeth, she explains that tonight, Johnny will be singing ‘Stay With Me’ to his girlfriend of 11 years. Has this come up before? Has Johnny been leading her on all this time? Ugh, this guy. He has a gospel choir backing him up and is falsetto-y as fuck and it looks like Robbie might be in trouble. Australia, don’t fall for Johnny’s slick bullshit like Kylie did. Robbie will still be there for you with this is all over.
8:31: The coaches all favour Johnny tonight, because they are all the worst. Kylie is feeling emotional, as expected, because she’s about to lose one of her little guys. 66% of Australia voted to save Johnny. 66% of Australia, I hate you so much right now.
8:39: The kids from Team Joel are a nice bunch, but wow, they’re a bit dull. I’m surprised you remembered any of their names long enough to actually vote, but you liked Holly enough to send her through to safety. You’ve got to hand it to Holly, of all the contestants on stage right now, she’s the one wearing the most red.
8:42: Holly gets to perform first tonight, taking on The Cardigans‘ ‘Lovefool’, and I’ve finally figured out what what her vocals remind me of: Cristin Milioti‘s Very Sexy Baby routine from 30 Rock.
8:52: Isaac looks very jolly as he strums his multi-coloured guitar through ‘Geronimo’, but something’s a little off about his vocals. He’s halfway between singing and hollering. You can tell how nervous Isaac is by the height of his hair, and tonight, he’s fucking shitting himself. When he’s done, his mum rushes the coaches panel to give Joel a hug, dressed in a very jolly home-made beanie. What the hell is up with The Voice and beanies this year?
8:58: Fisher Price My First Rock Star Frank has been given ‘We Are The Champions’ to perform tonight, and it’s killing me how happy he looks to be on stage. This guy. I just wanna muss up his hair and say “good job, sport”. This one really could go either way.
9:03: 72% of you voted to save Frank. Poor Isaac seems crushed. The producers’ decision to replace Kylie with Bedazzled-era Liz Hurley for tonight’s show was a bold gambit, but it’s paying off.
9:09: The ongoing threats about the Madden Brothers‘ upcoming performance are almost worse than the performance itself will probably be.
9:10: Australia, this week, you chose to save ZK from team will. They seem stunned and overwhelmed, as per usual. The Cecelia half of Gabe and Cec is shooting them daggers, and she is probably already plotting their murder at the hands of The Mountain. When the fuss from the results dies down, they inform us that this week, they’ll be delivering an inspiring and ever-so-slightly underwhelming performance of Cyndi Lauper‘s ‘Time After Time’. Cut to their performance – the crowd have been given little LED candles to wave in anticipation of this very moment. Z and K lock eyes and join hands and harmonise better than they have in some time. “Yes yes yes yes yes,” groans Kylie when they’re done. Shut up Kylie, you got to keep your precious, Johnny this week, you no longer get to have opinions about stuff.
9:22: I sometimes wonder what goes on inside will.i.am‘s head. He’s a purveyor of some of the most genuinely shitty music on the charts right now, and he single-handedly destroyed Britney Spears‘ last album, but his admiration of Gabriel and Cecelia and their determination to make weird arty music for its own sake seems oddly genuine. Cut to the pair’s performance – backlit in red,Cecelia looks like she should be officiating at some kind of True Blood orgy. This week, they’ve completely transformed ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ into one of their signature spooky acoustic duets, and it’s way better than what they did with Empire Of The Sun way back when.
9:32: On the complete other end of the spectrum, Anja is in a cage, in the style of ‘Can’t Be Tamed’-era Miley, singing Jessie J‘s ‘Wild’. She’s wearing a leopard-print … number, and is looking very, very booby and very, very leggy, like some kind of erotic cavewoman. Her vocals are strong and all, but if anything, the crazy outfit and the opulence of the production, complete with writhing backing dancers, work against her. It’s all a little much.
Photo: Luca Teuchmann via Getty Images
