By some act of arcane sorcery, will.i.am is now the most sane and lucid person on The Voice Australia. How the hell did that happen? What forbidden, ancient magicks is he channeling through his gold bow tie? When you consider the fact that the judges’ outfits barely seem to have changed in the span of six 90-minute episodes, that first day of shooting must have been a cruelly, brutally long one. My theory is that he’s some kind of supernatural entity like the weird goo in Ghostbusters 2, and the sensible calls he’s been making are a side effect of the fact that he is growing larger and immeasurably more powerful as he feeds off the negative energy in the room. By the end of tonight’s episode, he may well be 50 feet tall and consume Joel, Kylie and Ricky in his folds. Watch out.
7:27: I’m munching on Sudafed like M&Ms to stave off total physical and psychological annihilation, and right now, A Current Affair is my best friend in the world. I love how they manage to be so on top of breaking Voice stories each night, and it’s such a happy coincidence that The Voice airs right after. I mean, I assume it’s a coincidence and not what Jack Donaghy would call “product integortion.” Shockingly enough, it seems just when I’m primed and ready, ACA has bumped whatever Voice contestant it had locked and loaded for tonight. And just when I was looking forward to the shameless plug. God, what have I become?
7:37: Penny and Fiona are a pair of yummy mummies who met working for the opera in Perth, and now call themselves Divalicious. They are a walking, talking, champagne guzzling hens’ night, and already I love them unconditionally. They get on stage and sing ‘The Flower Song’ from Carmen and surprise everyone, especially me, by being very good. Based on the clip package, I was expecting something a lot sloppier, like maybe an off-key Bangles cover, but their opera game is really, really tight. I mean, they sound like they could be on the ABC Classic station that I switch to in the car when everyone other station has talking, so that means they must be good.
7:45: Nobody picks Divalicious, which is a phrase I never thought I’d be sad to write. “It’s like a play on delicious, with divas,” Joel says, helpfully explaining their name after they’re gone. Dammit Joel, you are the actual worst.
7:46: John is living in his parents’ shed while pursuing his goal of being a musician. He has a Hawaiian shirt and a slicked-back pompadour and says that he plans to sing Vance Joy‘s ‘Riptide’ with accompaniment from his ukulele, so I’ll have to keep an open mind about that. Later tonight, the promos tell us, we have another ‘blind’ blind audition, meaning that just like the judges, we won’t get to see the person auditioning. They’d better have something pretty bloody great in the chamber, like a bald man hanging from his nipple rings while singing a pitch-perfect ‘Let It Go’.
7:53: “I’m definitely ready to take my career to the next level,” says John backstage. I’m pretty sure The Rolling Stones said the very same thing before their first gig. Once John kicks off, though, his falsetto is solid enough to have Kylie shouting ‘nice!’. By the middle of the song, John’s grinning like Craig Bierko at an all-you-can-eat buffet there’s absolutely no doubt someone’s going to pick him. The judges all fight over him, and after he leaves them in suspense for a while, he picks Kylie. His mum is pleased.
8:04: Backstage, Tasha churns through the positive affirmations quicker than I’m churning through the cold & flu tabs. Dressed in bright yellow, she takes the stage and giver her take on The Lumineers‘ ‘Ho Hey’. I guess you might say she has a little bit of a country twang, and you can imagine her singing about boys in dusty boots who are no damn good. will.i.am turns and everyone else immediately follows, as if they’re scared to defy him. Kylie tells Tasha she’s just as cute as she sounds, which is the most accurate thing Kylie has said so far tonight or possibly all season. will tells her some sort of outrageous lie about how he’ll support her in learning about musical structure, and she picks him. Boo.
8:15: Every day is Halloween for Adelaide’s Peter, and with his white lab coat and wild, dark hair, he’s going as a sexy mad scientist. We don’t get to hear him sing, however, because first up is Thando, who came here from Zimbabwe as a youngster, and now sings in a band. She sings Duffy‘s ‘Mercy’ and seems weirdly restrained, but that may just be because every time someone takes on a big, brassy song like this on The Voice, they scream their way through it, and it’s weird to hear someone just chill and take it down a notch. will didn’t turn, but praises her “soulful wisdom” anyway. That’s a big call to make about someone you’ve known for less than three minutes, but forget about the things that leave will.i.am’s mouth making sense, Jake, it’s Voice town. Thando chooses Kylie and Joel chews his toothpick sadly.
8:26: Annabelle from Melbourne is up next. Her brother has a rare condition called hydrocephalus, so of course the producers trot him out for the cameras. Look, I get that people experience great hardships in their lives, but are any of these people not on The Voice? Annabelle sings Katy Perry‘s ‘The One That Got Away’, which is so far in my wheelhouse it’s not even funny, and her vocals are sweet if not all that remarkable. Kylie and Joel fight over her, which seems to be the key theme emerging from tonight’s show. I say ‘fight’, but that’s not the right word. They each take a turn saying nice, encouraging things to her in a polite and respectful way. “I think that you’re all amazing,” she tells the panel, before choosing Joel. Ceaseless positivity wins the day again.
8:45: “When you hear a good voice, you turn around,” says Joel. It seems like at least once per night, one of the judges is required to explain the basic concept of the show, in case we forget. Next up is the ‘blind’ blind audition, and completely murders Basement Jaxx‘s ‘Good Luck’. When will turns, the contestant, whose name I think might be Sarah, is tall and statuesque and has hair out to here and looks exactly like the sort of person who would murder a Basement Jaxx song. That was anti-climactic.
8:53: Luna Envy is a self-described “rockabilly goth steampunk,” who loves “alternative bands like My Chemical Romance.” “I grew up in a Catholic family and it took a lot of battles for them to accept my look,” she says of her mall goth ensemble. She sings ‘My Immortal’, and for now I’m just going to leave this here.
