‘The Voice Australia’: Episode 01 Live Blog

Here I go again on my own, goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a hobo I was born to walk alone. And I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no time … because The Voice is back for another year! New coaches will.i.am and Kylie Minogue join veterans Joel Madden and Ricky Martin, and literally anything could happen. Well, okay, literally some things will happen. People will sing, and maybe cry. It will be emotional. Get on board.

6:35pm: I have goosebumps. Kylie looks so serious sitting there on her amp. “It’s a brand new experience .” For her, and for us.

6:37pm: The judges are singing ‘Hall Of Fame’ together. Everyone is screaming. Ricky looks serene. Kylie is so very, very tiny. This is really happening.

6:39: It’s a bit of a stretch to say that Joel Madden has released “some of the biggest youth anthems of the last decade”, right? He’s definitely had some of the most interesting tattoos of the last decade. Ricky has 95 platinum records. I wonder where he keeps them all?

6:40: will.i.am’s hat is very fancy. I want one.

6:42: And we’re off and running! Kat Jade is our first contestant. She’s a a self-described introvert, and seems to be permanently rocking a set of kitty cat ears. She’ll fit right in. Her bestie is just adorable. Let’s hear her sing already, though, jeez.
6:44: Kat opens the show with a piano-led ‘Wrecking Ball’. Kylie is FEELING it. She’s turned her chair around, and is making kitty cat ears. Ricky is lost in some kind of hallucinatory state. What does Ricky Martin dream about?

6:49: Joel and Kylie both want her. She’s going Kylie, right? You’d have to.

6:50: Kat went Kylie. And now Kylie is signing her bestie’s bare chest. My chest is hairy as balls but I want Kylie to sign it anyway.

6:52: Thoughts on Kat’s performance? Her ‘Wrecking Ball’ was very sweet. I don’t know if ‘Wrecking Ball’ really calls for sweet, but vocally, she seems pretty strong. She needs to lose the ears, though. Like, really. Those ears are not a thing.
6:55: Matt’s musical theatre share house looks like a fucking nightmare.
6:56: Oh my God, Matt’s dad is a mechanic. He IS Kurt Hummel. I can’t handle this.

6:58: Okay, so ‘New York State Of Mind’ was a left-field choice. Matt’s at the piano, throttling the living shit out of the song. Kylie’s positively frothing. 

7:01: Matt’s wearing a hat, will.i.am makes them! This was meant to be. He’s choosing Kylie, though, right? They’re all choosing Kylie.

7:03: Matt chose will.i.am! Upset of the night. Kylie’s crushed.

7:06: Whew! Let’s debrief. Matt was soulful and all but Jenna Maroney’s ‘New York State Of Mind’ is still the definitive version, right?

7:10: Frank hopes to grab the coaches’ attention from the get go … that’s kind of the point though, right?

7:12: What even is this? Should I know this song that Frank’s murdering right now?

7:14: Look, Frank’s okay, but he’s no Caleb Johnson.

7:16: Frank chose Joel. Mazel tov.

7:18: Look, just FYI, I consider Britney’s ‘Autumn Goodbye’ to be classic rock, so I’m afraid I’m not going to be across any future Zeppelin covers right away.

7:21: I’m team Anja already. She rides trail bikes and I feel like she might be the P!nk of this season.

7:24: Oh, Anja is doing Mariah. A woman after my own heart.

7:25: Joel gives way fist pumps entirely too liberally.

7:27: Those runs were a bit of a disaster. Anja is definitely no Mariah Carey. The judges all want her … especially will.i.am. He tells her “I know how to produce.” I beg to differ. They’re leaving us in suspense until after the break.

7:33: Anja’s going with will.i.am. Ricky’s a little bit bummed. So am I. Team will.i.am is basically the Hufflepuff of The Voice, right?

7:37: Lionel has a story and a half. He’s related to Nat King Cole and used to play in a band that opened for the Black Eyed Peas. His performance of ‘Unforgettable’ is very grown-up. It’s like all of a sudden we’re on a different show. The judges are all mad for it. Kylie’s squirming in her chair and grinning like a lunatic. Everyone turns.

7:43: Lionel is hugging everyone, and may have just flashed some under-kilt peen. I think this show is just called Lionel now. … aaaaaaaand, he chooses Ricky! Awwww! First one of the night.

7:50: Oh no, I wanted so badly for Rosemaree to be good. She reminds me of Penny Hartz from Happy Endings and her dad is in the audience with NO IDEA his daughter’s about to audition, but her take on ‘Don’t Fight The Moonlight’ is, as Randy Jackson would say, a little bit pitchy, dawg. 

7:55: Carlos calls himself C Major and has worked with T-Pain. This season finally has its Tom Haverford.

8:01: Look, I need to get something off my chest. For the longest time, I’ve felt like a failure as a gay man because I just don’t ‘get’ Beyoncé. After listening to Carlos’s performance, I’m not convinced that he gets Beyoncé either. He sang ‘Crazy In Love’ without actually singing ‘Crazy In Love’. He says he wants to make beats … maybe he should go do that? I don’t know that singing is quite his thing.

8:10: Carlos chose Ricky Martin. Once he levels up, he may actually evolve into Ricky Martin.

8:13: Whew. That was exhausting. So much happened, and yet in another very real sense, nothing at all happened. Let’s recap.

Kylie had a very lovely time tonight, and spent most of it writhing and gyrating around instead of on her chair. Nice to know that she had fun. Ricky seemed very sad because nobody picked him. will.i.am opened up and revealed that he makes hats. Joel Madden was also present.

Vocally, Lionel was easily the strongest of the night, and may be the only contestant who has made it all the way through puberty. Kat’s take on ‘Wrecking Ball’ was polite but a bit boring, a statement that could sum up most of her Voice rivals tonight. Boring rock dude Frank could learn a few things from current American Idol front-runner Caleb Johnson.

I look forward to being very, very bored by Matt’s song choices and very, very exasperated by C Major’s unearned confidence in weeks to come. See you tomorrow!