A wee lil’ human with just the right amount of charisma and bearing enough of a resemblance to other famous baller balladeers to charm a nation of Australian tweens with expendable phone credit into submission made asinine talent judge Redfoo pinch himself in the pocket with a pair of tweezers and cry on the premiere of The X-Factor: Australia last night.

“I’m going through something right now in a relationship. And those lyrics made me cry,” said Redfoo. “I wish I could show this to [Victoria Azarenka] now.”

X-Factor producers, who by now have distilled their casting choices down to a precise formula, began the show’s fifth iteration by ticking off a list of types needed for a successful season, the debut episode of which won the ratings night with 1.63 million viewers over Big Brother’s 1.3 million. There was the Shetland Heartthrob; the assorted and arguably good-looking Boy Band from Sweden; the Spunky Gal with Pizzaz; people with sob stories, and people whose sob stories were their voices.

I’ve spent way too long watching the performances on YouTube – which you can find below accompanied by a précis – so you don’t have to. 

Jai Waetford: Different Worlds & Don’t Let Me Go

Squeal-inducing little dude who fulfils relevant criteria for audience interest retention [as indicated by his ‘auditioning first’]. Has been heralded as the show’s eventual victor, the boy prophet of Australian commercial music. Puberty will murder this sweet angel.

Dami Im: Hero

Touted as an “unexpected performance”, Dami Im is a consummate K-Pop fan whose appearance threw the judges after she belted out an A- rendition of Mariah’s ‘Hero’; meaning that The Voice’s founding principle still rings true: you’ll always be judged first on how you look. 

Aside: what’s up with the redundant suggested hashtags? “#AwesomeSinging”?

Ellie Lovegrove: Girl On Fire

A pleasant rendition of a pleasant contemporary singing competition standard. This girl is on fire, but one of those fires which starts off as just a dodgy lightbulb, a fan, and a piece of ombré orange cloth that eventually catches fire because it’s inevitable.   

Kelebek: Good Feeling

Sassy gal type Kelebek [Turkish for ‘Butterfly’, apparently] has previously auditioned for The X-Factor yet destroys any good will engendered by her perseverance by performing a Flo Rida song :/

Veanka Howard: The Climb

Fifteen-year-old Veanka is from Yass, has lived in foster homes for much of her life and only recently has started singing after finding her biological parents, who taught her to sing as a way of channeling her anger. It really is all about the climb with these shows.

Tyler Hudson: Unwell

Song choice is an accurate indication of how I felt after I stopped watching this Matchbox 20 cover one chorus in.

JTR: As Long As You Love Me

The musical equivalent of an adult who should know better drinking Baby Formula. Ugh.

John Roubos: Tonight I’m Loving You

Go home John Roubos, you’re drunk.

Bonus Round