After nearly a whole year of working from home, with makeshift home offices, desks cobbled together on dining tables, and oft-times “working remotely” from the couch or a sunny spot in the backyard, I can tell you right here and now that my back is rooted. Just an absolute mess. Sure, I could spend time stretching out and rolling on a foam roller but instead, I’ve been wistfully looking at insane massage products online, and mentally ranking them by how much I want them to totally annihilate my body.

So with absolutely no authority whatsoever, here are my favourite-looking body whacking tools that I deeply wish would just clobber me into a pile of goo.

Theragun Prime – $499

I’ve heard nothing but good (terrifying, but good) things about these little handheld massage guns. They absolutely look like they’ll work all the knots out of my back and then also hammer in any errant nails I find in my house. I wish to get hammered in the most wholesome way possible, and this contraption looks like it’ll do it for me, no questions asked.

Naipo Heated Shiatsu Massager – $73.99

What’s better than being worked into a pulpy mess after sitting perched at my kitchen table for the better part of a year? Being absolutely worked over by a heated massager. If I can’t go and overheat myself in a sauna just yet, or have someone cover my body in hot rocks, then this will just have to make do for now.

Please just lull my sore traps into cosy warmth and then knead me out like a ball of dough.

This Scraping Tool Thing – $151

This thing is called a NMES machine, which is kinda similar to a TENS machine – using electronic pulses to help stimulate muscles. As it’s pulsing away and making your sore muscles wake back up, you pretty much scrape it along your body like a gua sha facial tool but for your whole body.

I bet this massage thing would make my whole body go brrrr.

Thumper Mini Pro – $394

Thumper Mini Pro – $394

With a name like Thumper and a description that says it’s “designed for heavy-duty use”, you can just tell this thing is going to destroy you in the best way. A professional-strength massage at home? Absolutely yes, please. Just go over me like a couple of tiny little punching fists so I end up like Alex Mack.

Yep, just like that. I want to be nothing more than a pile of slime by the end of this.

HoMedics Ultimate Foot & Calf Massager – $299

Ok look, this is technically not for your back, but getting a good foot and calf massage is like heaven. I don’t know about you but this year I’ve been walking, running, been on my feet a lot more than when I was in the office, so having something to massage my little tootsies a true dream. And this foot and calf massager is absolutely not fucking around.

Conair Foot Spa – $49.95

Or you could just lean into the late 90s/00s aesthetic and get a foot spa. It’s no Luann Van Houten’s jacuzzi suit but it’ll do.

Hanna Goods Zero Gravity Recliner Massage Chair – $1448

Fuck it, full massage chair. Give. It. Me. Now.

PEDESTRIAN.TV’s editors independently choose and write about products and other stuff we love and think you’ll froth on, too. We have affiliate partnerships so we might get a cut of the revenue from any purchase you make based on our recs. Happy buying.