Trick The World Into Thinking You Had A Post-Gym Shower With These 7 Hacks

In 2010, we were gifted ‘How to trick people into thinking you’re good looking’:
While some of Jenna’s tips hold true, in 2017, we’re far more health-conscious creatures. 
Beauty, fashion and health trends are all about paring it back. While fads like ‘no makeup’ makeup, Kayla Itsines workouts and organically-sprouted activated produce are all very blessed and wholesome, fitting them all in can be hard yakka. 
At the risk of sounding like my mum, I just don’t know where the bloody times goes.
If you work nine-to-five and want to fit in exercise, sometimes getting it over with first thing is your only option. Spanner: you go to F45 and they don’t have shower facilities. You’re not gonna have time to go home between the workout and work, so you need a shower-free non-stank plan. Here it is.
How To Trick People Into Thinking You Regularly Maintain An Acceptable Level Of Hygiene While Forgoing A Shower After The Gym.

1. The night before

I have a friend who says the only reason why he likes to eat Yochi (the frozen yogurt of the gods) is so that when he works out in the days afterwards, his underarms smell like dairy.
Yes, it’s entirely disgusting, but he makes a valid point.
You are what you eat, and certain foods and drinks can mess with your natural odour. 
A 2006 study published in the journal Chemical Senses found participants who were on a non-meat diet had a significantly more attractive, pleasant and less intense smell compared to their meat eating counterparts. It takes meat so long to travel through our digestive tracts that it rots in the process, leading to breath, perspiration and bowel movements that don’t smell nice.
If you can’t see yourself changing your diet for the sake of smelling tasty, just chug water. Water aids digestion and helps to flush you out.

2. Wake up, shower
If you’re waking up for a class before work, it’s safe to guess it’s gonna be early in the AM. And while this guide is about smoke and mirrors, it’s highly unwell to wake up, go straight to the gym and off to work with no shower at all.
There’s a trick to getting ones 5:00am body out of bed and into a steam of water. Start off the shower nice and warm; a similar temperature to your bed. Lather up, and while you’re going through the motions, start to turn the temperature down. By the time you’re rinsed and ready to get out, the water should be cold.
This change in temperature, while unpleasant at the time, will leave you feeling energised and ready to sweat.
3. Invest in some clinical strength deodorant 
While your average roll-on masks the scent of body odour, it doesn’t reduce wetness. Clinical strength antiperspirant, on the other underarm, does.
It’s more expensive than your usual deodorant (anywhere between $10 and $15 bucks for Dove or Rexona) but it’s worth it for the slow down of underarm irrigation. Once you’ve showered and cool down, whack some deo on that B.O. and you’re good to go. You’ll find you sweat far less aggressively. 
do your workout honey
4. Now you’re done with the workout, the least you can do is wash your face
Provided you gave it a red hot go, you’re probably gonna be sweaty. While you can get away with dried sweat on places like your arms and legs, you need to wash that crépe off your face.
Gyms can be pretty unsanitary places. Using weights then touching your face is inevitable, but still nasty. Your best option is to bring along a little face bottle of face cleanser and a towel and wash it in the sink, but if you can’t do that, a face wipe will do.
5. Speaking of wipes… get the wet ones for your body
Here’s the bit you came here for. 
There are some key areas you need to wipe down after a gym session. There’s no prizes for guessing these, but here they are, in order of stanky importance:
1. Your armpits
2. Your groin area, including your arse crack
3. Under your boobs, if you have them
4. Across your chest
5. Your neck, particularly the nape where your hair meets your skin
While a wet wipe is no substitute for a shower, it’s important you tend to the above areas in some capacity. 
6. Bring a spare pair of underwear, you dirty bastard
We’ve all felt the first trickles of sweat form on our lower back / upper arse region. Once the droplet makes its way down your bum crack, you know it’s important to pack a spare pair of grundies.
Sitting at work all day with a moist groin area is not only an unpleasant feeling, it’s also a sure-fire way of smelling bad. Legend has it, once someone detects you reeking like a grott once, they never forget.*
At a festival, you can probably get away with the frontwards, backwards, inside out backwards and inside out frontwards undies trick, but after the gym, this isn’t feasible. Slipping into a fresh pair is the least you could do.
*Just from personal experience, an old boss of mine rode his bike to work once and stank like actual bin juice, and I never looked at him the same ever again. He was forever the stink man in my eyes and nose.
7. Don’t forget the first thing people see: your hair
This is possible the hardest step for the profuse sweaters out there.
Some people are blessed with hair that is straight and free from frizz. If you’re one of those people, all you have to do is whack your hair into a slick pony after the gym and let it dry naturally.
If I were to sweat my head off and do nothing with my hair afterwards, I’d look like Krusty after a couple dozen Duffs.
Depending on your hair type, there are a few tricks.
While my hair doesn’t go back into a bun smoothly without help, help is available. I pull my hair back into a bun with a wet brush, then douse it in directional fixing spray like this one. That way, all the straggly bits are pulled into line. 
If you’re cool with a super slick look, whack in a leave-in conditioner before you hit the gym, then re-brush it with water and it should keep a nice wet-look throughout the day. Another trick with leave-in conditioner is to braid it in after a shower; that way it will dry in formation.
If your hair still looks pleasant after a workout but is a bit greasy and flat, you can get away with a sprinkle of dry shampoo in the roots to give it some volume and bounce. 
so fresh and… you know the rest
Photo: Scream Queens.