In what’s probably the biggest dog move this side of Blake Garvey dumping pure angel Sam Frost for runner-up Louise Pillidge like two seconds after The Bachelor finished, The Letter given to Elora Murger on Bachelor In Paradise has shooketh us all to our very trash-tv-loving cores.
On Monday night’s episode, Elora was given a ~love letter~ that was apparently from “American Jared” (the one that’s not a stick of seafood extender), but once other contestants confronted him about it, he was like “I have no idea what you’re talking about I didn’t write that note????”
It turned out that noted demon and wildcard Eden Schwencke (apparently from Sophie Monk‘s season, but I don’t remember him) had penned the letter as “a joke” after she gently let him down following a really fucking weird date that ended in a food fight. Please note that this is the shittest excuse for a joke in the history of ever, and is lifted straight from The Little Rascals or some crap.
Internet sleuths/online CSI team over at Mamamia have looked at the infamous note from every angle, and have managed to decipher it, and wow it’s a whole damned mess, hey.
I’m assuming they took the shots of the forged note, screamed “ENHANCE!” at their computers a bunch, and came out with this transcription.
Firstly I just want to say – the moment you walked in I felt something very powerful. It’s been difficult to find time with you as you have been the focus of other guys. I figured the best way to let you know how I felt was to put it in writing.
This is extremely hard for me and I guess I’m really taking a giant leap of faith. As you know I’ve been on a few of these shows. I’ve met many women along my journeys who I have liked, but never have I felt a connection with those women as deep as I feel it with you.
I understand that we haven’t had a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, but I’m very good at detecting energy and I have to say, yours is something very special.
I know this is weird giving you a letter but I didn’t want to put you on the spot on camera. At your earliest convenience, could you pull me aside for a chat? It won’t be awkward – I can feel it.
Can’t wait to chat
And here is Elora, the moment her heart drops into her ass. For posterity.
I’m so very sorry but who the fuck says “at your earliest convenience” in a love note? Eden you total doorknob, this is not a business transaction, and I don’t know HOW Elora even took it seriously.
Despite his total fuckwit move here, Eden was given a rose from Elora (why? WHY) and the plot thickens.
I can only hope she’s tactfully keeping him in the game to mercilessly own him further down the track.