Here’s The ‘Venom’ Trailer, AKA Tom Hardy Revealing His True Lizardous Form

Hi guys.

In truly terrible news, everyone who knows things about Marvel and superhero shit and all of that stuff is busy right now, and therefore I, Mel Mason, someone who will argue at length that Batman and Robin is infinitely better than any/all the Christopher Nolan Batman flicks, is the only one left to cover this importante yarn about the new Venom trailer.

What is Venom? I have no idea. Sounds scary. I may want to see it IF they don’t shove it full of 10470273 superheroes like those dumb Avenger movies. I hate those! Haha! Don’t be mean to me I’m fragile and sensitive!

Anyway I think Venom is a lizard. Is he even a lizard? Who cares! He looks like one. I’m going lizard.

I’m so sorry already. Here’s the trailer if you’re just fucking done with me now:

And here’s my terrible takes on said trailer.

Firstly, hi I thought Tom Hardy played Bane? Doesn’t that mean he can’t play Venom bc in this world he’s already Bane? Is Batman Marvel? Isn’t EVERYTHING fucking Marvel these days, I am so extremely confused.

I’m assuming Batman is NOT Marvel and that is how this has occurred. I still think it’s a mistake since I, a humble non-geek pleb, thought “how is Tom Hardy in this he is Bane”. So that’s my first criticism.

Secondly, Michelle Williams is a very good actor and I’m not simply saying that bc she broke my heart as Jen Lindley on Dawson’s Creek. She’s genuinely good so having her on board gets you 40 points. And if I SUSPEND my mind and it’s Bane issue, Tom Hardy – also very good. Guess what I once watched one (1) smart TV show (Peaky Blinders) and he was very good in that. But most importantly, he really, REALLY froths hard on dogs.

Fourthly, what is this Venom guys job??? He seems to just be dating someone who works for “the bad guy”, and then he’s kind of a fugitive (I just asked the entire office “what is it called when you’re running away from people and you don’t want to be caught, and if you get caught you might die?” so there you go) but then some science lady is like “hey I need YOU SPECIFICALLY to come down to my secret lab and be privy to a lot of extremely sensitive information about some evil demon things”. What???? That makes NO sense. Can’t wait for you fans to come for me on FB for not researching. Haha! I’m not doing that! BORING!

Fifthly, which isn’t a word I’m almost SURE of it – I will give this trailer mad props for that last bit where Tom Hardy’s like “WE ARE VENOM” and his whole face morphs and it’s like WHOA I might die through the cinema screen this is cool.

Anyway there’s my take. I’m glad you have made it this far and yet in a very real way, I’m worried for your general wellbeing bc this made absolutely no sense.