The most pleasantly surprising thing about last night’s episode of The X-Factor Australia was how undeniably charming the lads from One Direction are. In case you’re not ‘in the know’ and don’t know what One Direction is (i.e. probably being kept in a cellar by a deranged psychopath, which I’m very sorry about), it is a five-piece pop music boy band that won The X-Factor UK in 2010 and is making Simon Cowell even more piles of gold than the Cave Of Wonders at the beginning of Disney’s Aladdin.
The One Direction guys will return for tonight’s show, where the remaining contestants will perform in front of special guest judges: high profile types including Alicia Keys, Usher and Ke$ha, who’ll assist the not-nearly -as-high-profile full time mentors Ronan Keating, Natalie Bassingthwaighte and Guy Sebastian. Then there is Mel B who, frankly, is in a ballpark of her own. (Her expansive and readily visible cleavage is in a separate area code all together.)
Let’s play The X-Factor Australia.
7:31pm: Home & Away is finishing up. This is about the third time I’ve tuned in since Bobby died (Google it, kids) but there’s some heavy stuff going down these days. Ice use etc.
7:34pm: A quick recap of last night by likeable but barely seen host Luke Jacobz and then we’re off to London where one of Ronan‘s boy bands are performing for One Direction. One of the One Direction kids just said “They’re like us!” to describe these capri pant wearing chaps. The hot One Direction one Harry says they are his favourite out of Ronan’s groups so far – including the slutty good looking girls from last night! High praise.
7:39pm: Next up a pair of pretty girls, one of whom beat boxes and raps. I’m secretly impressed and wish I could do that. Outwardly though, I feel these two are a bore. They tell Luke Jacobz that they “did good” and Liam from One Direction thinks on the right stage they could be good. LOL what the heck does that mean Li? (PS I only know which One Direction is which by referencing their Wikipedia page).
Thanks Wiki babe:
7:41pm: Next up is a pastel-wearing twosome performing Craig David. It’s horrifically lame, although last night when I saw a behind the scenes package of them displaying their ziplocked outfit options I was very intrigued.
7:43pm: Next to perform for One Direction from Ronan’s crew is a foursome called “Fourtunate”. Last night I mistakenly called them “4tune” so my apologies/either way it’s a fucking terrible pun. Although “The Beatles” I suppose… They are the first ones to bring in some choreographed dance moves which I very much approve of. You can tell by how One Direction are all elbowing each other and grinning that they also approve.
7:49pm: Now we fly over to New York, where Guy has called on “someone extremely special” to help him pick the best of his bunch of Over 25 contentants. It’s Alicia Keys. She’s sold a casual 30 million albums and won xx number of Grammys. She looks amazingly chic in a tangerine blouse and a freshly cut pob.
7:52pm: First to sing is Guy’s “this is my last chance” contestant Sammy who performs “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. She does a good job. Alicia thought it was “pure”, which is such an Alicia Keys thing to say.
7:53pm: Next is Rob/Rowan, who sounds like he’s singing about his range because it’s a little bit squeaky. Alicia says a lot of nice, sensitive things about the fact he was average. God she’s serene.
7:56pm: Skip the next guy who did a horrendous version of “Tiny Dancer”, and we get to the next of Guy’s contestants who performs “The First Cut Is The Deepest”. It’s a beautiful song but not when this girl tries to put her own spin on it. However, Alicia says “hmm sweet. Really tender.” She’s very diplomatic and lovely. She’s probably my second favourite person to come out of the show so far, after One Direction.
7:59pm: Next is older man Justin, who clearly takes styling tips from George Michael and the Bush Tucker man. He does a decent job of “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. He’s a story teller, according to Guy. NEXT.
8:04pm: So a wedding singer named Emmanuel or Nathaniel [note: I REALLY need The X-Factor to put the names on screen because I can’t keep up]. He is singing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and pulls out some pretty impressive (if completely self-indulgent) high notes, but has a nice tone to his voice. Alicia likes how he put his touch on the song. Guy says “it screams ‘artist’ to me.” LOL. This is priceless reality television gold right here.
8:09pm: Now we move on to Natalie‘s group of Under 25 girls whose guest judge is Ke$ha. Nat got the least impressive guest judge by a mile which is not a surprise.
8:11pm: A 14-year-old baby sings something suspiciously Sarah MacLachlan-ish that isn’t. She does an excellent job for such a young gal.
8:12pm: Then Bella Hunter sings and Ke$ha loves her because she is both an okay singer and looks hot. Nat describes her voice as “okay” which sounds a bit like jealousy to me.
8:13pm: “Holy shit… I got chills,” says Ke$ha about the next performer Angel. Good work Angel. Next!
8:15pm: A slightly boring but pretty folky girl is next, then it’s the other Bella who often lets nerves get the better of her. She’ll be on after this ad break. Usher hanging with Mel B is happening soon as well which should be amazing.
8:20pm: We’re back and Bella looks on the verge of tears or weeing herself. She does quite a pretty job of the song and Ke$ha says “I loved her… She’s my favourite so far.” Again, Natalie is negging out to Ke$h about Bella’s nerves. Mate, you’re a mentor not a stage mum. How about a little support?
8:23pm: Cute school girl Shiane (she’s 14 too) rocks up to her performance in sandals and a nightie and sings “Shelter” by Birdy. Her voice is so unique and soulful. Ke$sha is freaking out about how good she is. She says to Natalie “If you won’t sign her I will.” Ke$ha is growing on me, despite the fact she has an effing dollar sign in her name.
8:27pm: Next we’re with Mel B and the Under 25 boys. USHER is in the building! I keep saying “YEAH!” at the television. First up is country boy Jason who Usher is charmed by because he’s “different”, which is Usher-speak for “poorly dressed”. “YEAH!”
8:33pm: Next up is… jesus did Luke Jacobz just say his name is Cassidy or Maxtine? I missed it. Anyway, he’s singing “It Girl” by Jason Derulo. Mel B is wearing the contents of an ancient Egyptian tomb on her chest, such is the overwhelming presence of gold beading, but she can’t quite compete with Usher’s ridiculous tracksuit top, gold necklace and sunglasses-indoors combo.
8:36pm: Usher took his sunglasses off!
8:39pm: Next to perform is Carmello who grins excitedly throughout the performance. Usher’s not impressed. The next guy is Josh who sings “Ordinary People” by John Legend. Firstly, this guy has a seven year old haircut; secondly, he sounds okay if a little desperate. Usher thinks he went about the song a little too aggressively and says to Mel B “you have to make love to the camera” in a way that is buttery enough to make underwear spontaneously fly off.
8:45pm: That’s the end of tonight’s show. Tomorrow we’ll find out which contestants the mentors and their celebrity guest judges pick to go through to the next round. It’s going to be tension city. Tune in to the live blog tomorrow night at 7.30pm to see the drama go down. In the meantime, hit the comment section with your thoughts, concerns and favourite performances. 10 points if you managed to catch any of the contestants names! Good night.
