Welcome to the somethingth episode of The X-Factor Australia. Tonight is the fifth Live Show where the remaining eight acts will perform their little hearts out and hope to avoid reliving the unholy mess that was last week’s live show in which 85% of contestants sucked balls. The theme for tonight is ’80S WEEK!, so you should be prepared for some truly horrible wardrobe choices, the mutilation of timeless pop classics and, hopefully, a bit of keytar. The show kicks off at 7:30pm and here is where I’ll be.

Note: The image above has been digitally altered, and as far as we know Jason has never used nunchuks in his life.

7:32pm: And we’re away. Host Luke Jacobz walks onto stage to the sound of Yello’s “Oh Yeah”. I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

7:34pm: The judges walk out and it seems to be a battle of the vagina-skimming dresses between Nat and Mel B, with Mel winning out in a scrap of sequined silver. Her breasts are out and they are mesmerising. Guy is wearing a loud shirt that looks like a secret level in Super Mario Bros.

7:38pm: First to perform is Mel B‘s contestant Jason, sweet, tragic Jason. He’s singing “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John, quite appropriate song choice considering he’s the only contestant from Team Mel who IS still standing. The rest have been booted because they were, let’s face it, terrible.

7:39pm: Even though Jason is slightly flat in some places, he does a pretty solid vocal performance for the most part. He is dressed in a questionable sequined jacket and lamely attempts to execute some “cool” rock moves which he simply can’t manage, but bless him. He’s so sincere you can’t help but enjoy the ridiculous sight of the guy air-guitaring like an idiot.

7:42pm: The judges unanimously praise Mel’s song choice and Jason’s performance, as well as his “journey”. He has come either “a long way” or “so far”. This is about the highest commendation a person can receive in reality-television-singing-contest vernacular! Despite the positive feedback, Mel still implores viewers to “Vorh. Vorh for Jehsin.”

7:48pm: Next to sing is Angel who’ll be performing the power ballad “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner. Ugh. Classic Nat choice. Even though it’s the lamest song ever (as a cover – the original is obviously excellent in its own overblown-wank kind of way), Angel will probably knock it out of the park.

7:50pm: This is a really nice performance for most of it. She goes a bit apeshit on the melismas in some parts, but Angel definitely has her confidence back because her voice sounded really powerful. I find Angel a bit boring every week – she lacks the ‘x’ factor for me, but the judges all loved it, especially Nat who couldn’t be more smug. I love how Mel B says “ah have tuh seh, thah was greht” as if it’s the most harrowing, most difficult thing she’s ever had to admit as though she’s really disappointed that it was good. LOL.

7:56pm: Next is Nathaniel from Team Guy doing “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner. An interesting choice. The other judges are super skeptical and so is Nathaniel when Guy first tells him. Let’s see how this little pearl unfolds.

8:02pm: Okay. So Nathaniel is doing some kind of alarming reggaeton version of the song. It’s fucking terrible. This is such a weird move because Nathaniel has been moulded into the sexy ‘R&B Guy’ slot that makes Mel B want to jump his/her husband’s bones, and this performance is not that guy. It’s very Jason Mraz if you know what I mean.

8:04pm: Mel B and Ronan weren’t into it. “That’s not who you are,” they told Nathaniel. Nat loved it though, and Guy thought he did a great job. He’ll probably get lots of votes because the general public love Jason Mraz. The idiots. Anyway… NEXT.

8:10pm: Jesus, Luke Jacobz just dropped in a really bad, cringe-worthy Mr T reference. My ovaries just withered.

8:13pm: Fourtunate are next, performing “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston. They start off with a really stripped back down tempo intro and their voices do sound great – the harmonies are lovely, really spot on. About halfway through the performance, the tempo picks up and it all goes a little bit lame at this point, but it’s definitely a massive improvement from their last two Live Show songs (which, it should be noted, were horrific).

8:15pm: Mel B is SO mad to admit that she thought they were good. She actually visibly grits her teeth as she says “Thah was grrehh. I lahkt how it went slorh then fast.” She’s such a bad sport. It’s hilarious. The other judges are similarly pleased with Fourtunate. NEXT!

8:21pm: Next to perform is Bella from Nat‘s team. She’s singing “99 Red Balloons” by Nena. Good luck mate!

8:23pm: I thought this was going to be terrible but it is actually quite a good song for Bella. Her voice sounds very good tonight and looks quite cute in her little red pouf of a dress too. She also is doing a good job of ‘rocking out’ too – twirling her mic stand and making ‘fierce’ eyes at the camera. Solid effort.

8:27pm: As soon as the song is over Bella starts crying!?! This comes as a major surprise since she did a pretty good job? Apparently she was having a wig out just before the song started. The judges all thought she was terrific though, and she gets a hug from both Nat and Mel B. Mel then proceeds to ask her if she was fake crying for “vohts”. Beyond words.

8:33pm: Samantha Jade is next singing a song that should be illegal as far as I’m concerned because it is NOT from the Eighties. Guy picked “You Can’t Hurry Love”, the PHIL COLLINS VERSION, so he says. Groan.

8:36pm: Well my feeling toward this synthesised arrangement of the song with a awkward mamba beat is: terrible. However, Sammy looks super cute and she sings really well despite the tasteless arrangement. The performance is lame and excessively perky though. She’s like a c-grade Kylie Minogue duplicate.

8:36pm: Mel B is not a fan. She thought it was cheesy. Ronan loved it and still believes that Sammy has one of the best voices in the competition. Nat also liked it and said it wasn’t cheesy because it’s 80s Week and the Eighties were cheesy [subtext: in your face, Mel B]. Guy gazes lovingly at Sammy and says she doesn’t look like a contestant because she’s so good she looks like a special guest star. Ugh, pipe down buddy, it’s getting weird(er).

8:46pm: Shiane is next singing “True Colours” by Cyndi Lauper. This should be great.

8:47pm: Shiane is just sitting on a chair in the dark singing the heck out of the song. Her voice sounds lovely – quite gravely with a nice bluesy texture – and the only thing I take issue with is the fact she pronounces the word ‘shining’ as ‘shehnning’ – exactly like how Mel B would say it!

8:48pm: Guy asks Shiane what the song means to her and she starts crying and says it makes her think of a FRIEND WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND IS PARALYSED. Cripes. Nice job Guy Sebastian you TIT.

8:50pm: All the judges thought Shiane did the best performance she has in the competition, except Mel B who didn’t think the performance was very “convincing”.

8:53pm: We’ve finally come to the last performance of the night with The Collective, Ronan‘s pet group. They will be singing Madonna’s “Like A Prayer”. I’m nervous about this…

8:57pm: Alright, the red and black coordinated outfits and a set that looks like it was ripped from the Backstreet Boys’ “Backstreet’s Back” video do not bode well. Nor does the TECHNO approach to “Like A Prayer” which is fucking TERRIBLE. It doesn’t sound anything like the (amazing) original.

9:01pm: Wow Guy just said the set is a little too “Backstreet’s Back” for his liking. See! I told you. But he thought the song was pretty good which is beyond comprehension. Mel B loved it. “Sexeh’s back!” she yelled at them. Only Nat didn’t love it. What is wrong with the rest of you people!?!? I’m concerned that the children of the future (RIP Whitney) are going to think that the abomination just performed on stage is how “Like A Prayer” is supposed to sound.

9:10pm: I’m very upset about that last song and my legs are burning because my laptop is overheating so I’m signing off, but let’s hear what you thought about tonight’s episode in the comment section. Who was the highlight? Who dropped the ball?