On last night’s episode of The Voice Australia we faced a relatively boring showcase of singsong, save for pleasant albino cutie-pie Lauren Dawes who proved you don’t need pigment to turn out a palatable Bob Marley cover, and poorly-dressed crying handsome guy Rob Edwards who showed some longterm potential in a fairly underwhelming audition piece (like his ill-advised White Stripes cover). Tonight we’re finally at the last lot of Blind Auditions and The Voice website promises an ex-girl group member (?!?!) and “the singing postie”. All will be revealed shortly!
7:06pm: After a late start due to A Current Affair‘s insufferable cross-promotional segments about various humans associated with this television show, we begin!
7:08pm: First, because platitude-spewing newcomer judge Ricky Martin has a full team, we quickly revisit the members of Team Ricky. I must admit Ricky has an impressive and range-y selection of contestants. Tonight Joel, Seal and Delta need to fill the remaining spots on their dance card. First up? A dude named Andy.
7:12pm: With guitar in hand, Andy (who looks like an uncanny physical amalgamation of Gotye x Ezra Miller from We Need To Talk About Kevin) begins singing The Beatles’ “Across The Universe” and has quite a sweet, solid rock and roll voice. Andy has decided to wear purple plaid stovepipe pants and I’m kind of upset the judges didn’t get to see them. Surely Seal would have spun for that shit! Andy is clearly a tripper who whispers “John Lennon’s the man, man!” with a sleepy grin. The judges are all bummed they didn’t turn around. Whose fault is that, idiots?
7:20pm: Here is the ex girl group gal. It’s Simone who was in duo Shakaya. I’m bitterly disappointed it’s not someone from a much worse, more humiliating outfit such as Bardot (Google it, youths) or some kind of ex-pat Brit from B*witched. Sad.
7:24pm: Simone from Shakaya sings “Sentimental Reasons” and she sounds okay. Her voice jars a bit on the higher notes but for the most part Simone pulls out a really solid performance. Seal, Delta and finally Joel all spin around. From the outset Simone only has eyes for Seal and picks him as her mentor before the other judges even have time to state their case. Three spots left…
PS shout out to my pal/colleague Nick who was kind enough to remind me about a reference to Shakaya’s other hit single “Cinderella” in this extraordinary scene of We Can Be Heroes.
7:32pm: Next is a cocky looking guy in a suit named Garth Ploog who actually says: “I’m often compared to Michael Buble but I don’t want to be Michael Buble.” I have a few issues with this statement, particularly the conceit that any man does not want to be Michael Buble, a noted pants man who dates beautiful women and is a multi-gajillionaire who performed at the Logie Awards CLEARLY on ecstasy, and all the middle-aged home viewers just sat back discussing what a lovely young man he is. Anyway, guess what ditty this Buble hater chooses to sing? “Everything” by Michael bloody Buble. No one turns around. I see more Michael Buble covers in your future, Garth Ploog.
7:44pm: Don’t you just love the pre-recorded bits that the judges to camera when Seal is wearing that effing red velvet scarf? I do.
7:46pm: Auditioning next is Sarah. “In a perfect world,” she says “I would want Delta to turn around.” but let’s not hold that against her.
7:49pm: Sarah has chosen to sing “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette. I have a problem with this song choice because it’s such a shouty number and because I don’t know how to spell ‘Morrissette’ correctly. Sarah’s performance fails to extract a rotation from the judges, but she does fan out over Delta who should probably consider watching her mailbox for letters made of cut up magazine text pasted into sentences like “I WANT TO SMELL YOUR HAIR DELTA!! DIE GOODREM BITCH !! YOU ARE MINE!?” etc.
7:58pm: We’re being shown a quick recap of Team Joel which is primarily populated by young babes. Classic Joel. Will brain tumour survivor Michael Stangel join his pussy posse? Will I continue to write rhetorical questions in the manner of Darren McMullen’s narration parts?
8:02pm: To me Michael sounds like that middle-aged chap who floors the audience at your local pub’s karaoke night, but something in his generic rock vibe appeals to Delta and he becomes the final member of her team.
8:06pm: Coming up after the next break is the SINGING POSTMAN. Can’t wait.
8:13pm: Actually, first will be a lady singing who sings a gruesome rock cover of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed” (after we see footage of her receiving an inexplicable video message from Roy & HG?!?). No spins for her.
8:16pm: It’s postman time! His name is Adam and he wants to make it so he can “support his beautiful girlfriend”. Not to be anti-feminist, but mate, if you ever need a new girlfriend you want to support hit me up in the comment section. I kid. I kid.
8:26pm: Next to perform is Tyler who has a real chip on his shoulder about working in a call centre. Relax pal, we’ve all been there.
8:28pm Seal is clearly feeling the pressure of having the sole available spot on his team because during Tyler’s song his twisted expression of pain is like watching Harry Potter attempting to fight Voldemort’s mind control. Amirite.
8:32pm: Final contestant for the night is Jac. I know this because it’s 8:33pm and House Husbands is a really popular show that home viewers won’t want to wait around for. Jac sung really beautifully though, she has this folky throaty voice and will probably do really well in the competition.
8:35pm: Alright you guys. I’m out of here. This episode really dragged, but finally the teams are full and next stop is the Battle Rounds and I’m excited for the next stage. Mostly I’m just really excited to see the judges wearing new outfits. See you tomorrow night.