Are you ready, fellow slaves of reality television singing contests? Tonight we will watch the last of the Blind Auditions on The Voice Australia, the final episode in the portion of the show where the voice of contestants is still king, before the singers in contention fall victim to bogus makeovers and the expert mentorship of our esteemed judges Delta Goodrem, Seal, Joel Madden, and the crack pipe of human positivity, Ricky Martin.
We begin at 6.30pm on Channel Nine. Assume your typical Sunday night positions and join us for the live blog.
6:30pm: Voice over guy says “last week caused a button-pushing frenzy!” Then “every button push critical for the last remaining contenders,” including ABBY DOBSON of the band Leonardo’s Bride. Yikes. Does this lend credibility to the show or systematically destroy any credibility Abby Dobson once had in the peek of that one successful song (“Even When I’m Sleeping”) her band had?
6:34pm: Abby Dobson is singing “Do Right Woman Do Right Man” by Aretha Franklin, a pretty major song to attempt. Seal is wriggling in his chair and singing along, clearly getting a lot of enjoyment out of the performance by Seal right now.
6:35pm: No one turned around for poor Ms Dobson. It seems that no one (the judges) don’t know who she is. Seal says “that was just too much song”, which I agree with. Ricky wishes her the best in her career and says “you’ve got the voice, you’ve got the looks and I’m just stupid.” That was kind of depressing.
6:42pm: Next to perform is a backup singer named Michelle who, presumably, wants to be an up front singer. She’s singing “Lady Marmalade” which, based on the judges reactions, is a good song choice. Delta immediately started lip synching with her painfully awkward ‘sexy’ face. It’s like hearing your grandma try to use youth-speak like ‘gnarly!’
6:45pm: Delta pulls the ‘girl power’ card, telling Michelle all she wants is for strong powerful women to work together. Groan. Seal gives this mentorship a big crack asking Michelle what she wants. She says she’s just after “someone who gets me.” “Spoken like a true artist,” Delta opines wisely. Michelle goes with Seal.
6:50pm: Next is a fellow who describes himself as “not the prettiest guy in the world.” Good news, buddy! This is what the Blind Auditions are all about (that is, a cruel insight into the reality of the superficiality on which the pop music world thrives LOL!).
6:54pm: His name is Eske and he’s singing a song called “So Sick” by Ne-Yo. His voice is not ‘so sick’, in the playground vernacular sense. It’s a bit flat – something his own mother comments on.
6:58pm: While none of the judges turned around, Joel (who clearly isn’t familiar with the Australian word ‘Esky’ meaning rectangular-based prism for keeping things cold) says “Eske is a cool name. It sounds like a rap name”, then gets Eske to rap for them. “Can I get a beat?” he asks the nerdy session musicians in The Voice band. Eske does some reasonable freestyling before his time on the stage is cut short. Farewell, cold refreshing vessel.
7:02pm: A lad singing the generationally irrelevant but mad hook-y “You To Me Are Everything” by The Real Thing is up next and his not-excellent-but-sweet soul vibe has Ricky spinning around like Kylie Minogue in gold lame when he hits some fairly serious high notes in the bridge. This guy, named Sione, is pretty adorable and very likeable. He should do alright and has found the perfect match in Ricky Martin.
7:09pm: Kiyomi describes herself as “a little bit quirky” and she is going to try to put that quirkiness into her music. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn into a Frankie Magazine knitting circle…
7:11pm: Kiyomi could definitely benefit from the judges being able to see her because she looks adorable. Ultimately, she pulls out enough off-kilter vibrato to elicit a chair-turn from Seal and Joel. Seal says “what I can do for you is help you understand that if there is any hope of you achieving your dream is that there is no backup,” referring to her environmental engineering degree which she is currently studying at RMIT. Way to go Seal, you anti-education prick.
7:15pm: Ultimately Kiyomi picks Joel. They both have unusual hairstyles so… Ugh. I’m not even trying to analyse this shit anymore.
7:16pm: Next to audition is Louise. She’s got an interesting rattly voice that veers unpredictably between octaves and she’s singing Radiohead’s “Creep”. Hmm. I’m not impressed, but Joel rotates enthusiastically, probably because he just likes the idea of being seen as a Radiohead fan.
7:25pm: Talent competition regular, Vanessa Raspa, will take to the stage in the hope of winning over the judges. She says “I was basically a child star” and hopes the blind auditions don’t play against her because the judges won’t be able to see her “vibe”. Wow. Someone needs to punch her in the face with humility.
7:29pm: Vanessa has a gender ambiguous voice. She sounds a little ‘drag’ to me, and the fact she’s singing Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots (Were Made For Walking)” really doesn’t help matters. No one spins around because her voice is “not what we’re looking for”, as Ricky would say, and I’m SO relieved because this girl is a real piece of work. Rejection at this level can only have positive implications for her character… so, good work TV!
7:36pm: Next to perform is a girl named Lauren Dawes who is AN ALBINO. This is obviously a terrific characteristic for standing out, plus Lauren seems like a dude. And she’s totally self-aware about the fact – she actually says it helps her stand out and there are no artists in the market that look like her right now. So true. Except maybe for Brother Ali.
7:38pm: It was the ol’ bait-and-switch and Lauren’s audition is coming up soon. For now it’s a handsome dude named Rob Edwards wearing patchy ‘urban’ jeans and singing a groove laden R&B version of “Seven Nation Army” by the White Stripes. Delta, Seal and Joel. Respect to Ricky for laying off the buzzer right there. Rob was fine, but his voice wasn’t especially good or even interesting. Mid-way through the positive feedback from all the judges Rob starts crying, something that I absolutely cannot abide by. When handsome dudes get overcome with emotion that’s our cue to press eject and puff through the stratosphere to someone who’s eyes leak less. But maybe that’s just me.
7:50pm: Rob chose Delta. And it’s completely fine when a grown man shows emotion, okay? Next is a guy whose dad is a neurosurgeon and the pre-audition package shows him playing 18 holes with his dad. Middle class people from Brisbane are my favourite! His name is James.
7:52pm: James is singing “One Crowded Hour” by Augie March, the most lyric-heavy song we’ve heard so far tonight. He’s not knocking it out of the park but he’s a cute young guy who will steal the hearts of Australian girls everywhere once he’s improved his hair. Ricky spins at the last minute and felt “sadness and hope” in James’s performance. Good times.
8:00pm: It’s Albino Time! Our esteemed host Darren McMullen describes Lauren as an “indie artist”.
8:02pm: Lauren is performing a slow soulful version of “Is This Love” by Bob Marley. Seal loves it! “That’s what I’m talking about!” he says as he spins. He’s the only judge to spin and they are going to make beautiful music together. Joel says “I’m really regretting not turning around” and Seal points with diva-esque attitude and says “hell yeah you do”. I like this Lauren girl. Next?
8:06pm: OH. We’ve just been informed that TOMORROW night is the final Blind Auditions. Good to know. I guess that means we’ll reconvene tomorrow night for another round in the ringer. Until then!