The Bachelors Recap: I’ve Cringed So Hard I’m Part Of The Couch After That Eye Fucking Situation

the bachelors

I’m leaping right into this one friends, like Felix the Drunk Seal jettisoning himself out of his Seaworld pool to feel freedom in his flippers again. Tonight’s ep of The Bachelors Australia was chaos and I’ve got a lot to say.

So we meet at that awful Bachelor apartment with the bio-hazard spa and ever present drum kit. Osher has materialised in the bathroom and leapt into the kitchen to sit Kmart MGK and Meditation Daddy down for a reprimand. At least, that’s how they seem to be taking it.

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*school voice* So-ry Mis-ter Guns-beeeerg

He’s just like bla bla how do you feel about Jas defecting to team Med Daddy. KMGK is super chill about it, likely because he can’t even remember Jas’ name unless a producer whispers it in his ear, also because he has surprisingly turned out to be the least toxic masculinity guy in this house after wowing us with his giant tantrums in ep 1.

But THEN he drops a bomb. Tash and her two identical henchmen threw THEMSELVES out of the mansion, seemingly because they gave producers an ultimatum that either Jas leaves, or they leave??? And the producers were like… no.

the bachelors
do you think I’ll still get diet tea spon con

My favourite part of all of this, besides the three women trying to commandeer the production of this show and fail miserably – because you KNOW these girls were here for airtime and now MAYBE Tash will get a gig on I’m A Celeb before fading into mediocrity, but the others are deffo gonna have to go back to their day jobs – is when Meditation Daddy tries very hard to care about some women he could not pick in a lineup leaving.

the bachelors
oh noooo, not whatsy and whosherface

Back at Cheug Mansion, everyone’s stoked to be rid of Tash and the others, they’re making cakes and doing a lot of laughing except for Bella who is me whenever someone tries to make me bake anything:

the bachelors
have you ever seen MORE of a mood

Meanwhile Sealy is taking Jess on a single date to play basketball (inflate his ego by throwing balls around).

ohhh my gouuurd we’re playing BASKETBALL?

They have a nice time and then sit down to talk about her polyamorous relationship. It turns out it’s not so much polyamorous, more like she’s exploring non-monogamy – she says she’s with Damien (her bf) but they both knew it wasn’t going to be a long term thing so she was just “trying on” commitment.

I can’t tell if the show has overblown her interest in polyamory for The Story or if she’s downplaying things but whatever is going on it’s confusing and now she’s basically like, Damien can get fucked Felix ILY lalalala.

They head back to the weird apartment while Thomas takes GC Gwyneth out for a HORRIBLE date involving that sling shot ride people only go on if the Metamucil hasn’t been working, before locking her into a sort of rooftop jail cell to grill her about her children.

sorry babe we can’t leave until Felix and Jess stop boning

GC Gwynnie has an 18 year old she had young, and a 9 year old with her ex husband. She asks Med Daddy if he has kids and he’s like NO, NO! NO! NO HAHAHAHAHA NO! Which was weird, then he asks if she wants more kids and bores his eyes into her soul, willing her to say yes.


I jest but it’s actually all handled pretty well. I think whenever he’s said “I want my own family” what he means (I hope) is he wants to have kids and raise some babies, not that he has an aversion to being a stepdad on top of that.

Anyway, the chat goes well – as any sane person would do, Kiki says she’s essentially open to more children but also knows what a huge commitment it is, so it would depend on her situation and who she was with. It’s a world away from Tash who prob would have said “let’s start now and I can throw the positive pregnancy test into Jas’ coffee in the morning”.

Over to Jed who has taken the absolute WORST advice from some producer and set himself up in a dense forest, with his drum kit, in his billowing kimono, with CAR HIGH BEAMS being used as spotlights. Truly this show is actually taking the piss with the budget at this point, right? HIGH BEAMS.

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Alesia, his date for the night, is sent off into the dark woods and honestly it was giving true crime documentary reenactment until she found Jed clanging away on his drum kit.

He tells her that showing her his drum prowess is very vulnerable because his drum kit is his best friend and lover and he’s actually already legally married to it so, you know, sorry but the end of season engagement will be a sham.

Their date is basically her listening to him do drum things and going “sooo cool”. It’s giving me watching my crush in year 10 practice for inter-school battle of the bands 2009.

soooo cool, do Blink 182

But also guuuuuys Jed’s grown on me!! Around Alesia he seems really sweet and genuine, like maybe he really is a 25 year old guy who wants to find something real and not just have a giant spa orgy like Old Sealy.

So in this house we now stan, in order, Meditation Daddy then Kmart MGK. And way down the rungs, Sealy is trying his best to redeem himself. Sort of.

Anyway, they pash and it’s supremely awkward to watch but I think that’s because I literally never want to see real people pashing on TV ever. Give them lessons, at least. Like television kiss lessons.

it honestly looked like they were trying to find smarties in each other’s mouths

Meanwhile, Meditation Daddy has become Masseuse Daddy and is giving GC Gwyneth a PornHub-worthy massage. Truly it was so sexual I feel like the cameraman probably got a little semi. SORRY!!! BUT LOOK!!!


And then his hand is like:

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I feel like I shouldn’t be watching!!!

Anyway it’s a lot and clearly it’s gotten GC Gwyneth’s yoni egg buzzing because she starts talking about inspirational orgasms (I am not joking) and then they pash. Meanwhile, Sealy has not seduced Jess into the biohazard spa but instead is doing an awful job of making tea. I feel like my dog could make tea.

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“next we open the teabag and put the bits in”

Later all the guys sit down to discuss their perfect dates and honestly, it was really wholesome and I even warmed to SEALY. Not really. He IS the one that says this isn’t the usual Bachelor where everyone fights for one guy, this is The Bachelors where they have to *shock* impress the women… but either Felix had a lobotomy between ad breaks or a producer has realised they might be letting his fuckboy soul fly too free and fed him the good line.

But for Meditation Daddy and Kmart MGK, I am v happy. KMGK says he always felt like he had to dull down his personality and style for people and he didn’t feel that way with Alesia (WE LOVE) and Med Daddy is glad he let his “I hate other people’s children” wall down so he could get to know GC Gwynnie some more.

On to a group date! We’re at the beach! In suits! Why!

it looks like a David Jones catalogue

It turns out they’re not surfing, they’re having lunch at GC institution Rick Shores. Fun story from me – when I went to Rick Shores I got super pissed on margs and started filming my sister and I trying to sing the “beat” of a 00s rave song, and then I listened back to it the next day and it honestly just sounded like an ambulance. But someone guessed it!!!! So there you go.

Enough about me (never lol I am nothing if not a narcissist) – Meditation Daddy has invited all the women we have never seen before in our lives, plus Defector Jasmine. IDK about this Jasmine/Meditation Daddy situation because her Big Story is “and I said if you do a shoey, I’ll do a shot through my shoe”. She is a free-wheeling party gal and Med Daddy’s bedtime is probably 7pm after his turmeric latte nightcap.

let’s do a shoey NOW

In fact, all the guys have invited a bunch of randos for the most part and one Lead Gal. Or maybe it’s everyone? There can’t be that many left, surely. We just had THREE leave!

Whatever, either a swathe of women we will never see again will go home later or we’re going to get some bombshell dumpings. Meanwhile, Bella is out here asking KMGK if he stands or sits when he wipes his bum and truly, this is my kind of date conversation. I’ll date you Bella, dw.

the bachelors
it’s a normal question and I back it

Then Meditation Daddy gets up like its his wedding and gives a speech…

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“I look around the room today and I see people I barely know, and I think, wow that’s beautiful.”

Then, for some ungodly reason, Felix and Naomi just bore eyes into each other while aggressively sipping their wines in the corner.

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It’s like 14 hours of Felix and Naomi eye-fucking but bordering on murder and then Naomi turns into one of those cringe TikTok guys and does this:

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Honestly if anyone can make it hot it’s Naomi, but I also never want to ever see anyone biting their lip sexually EVER.

Sealy, of course, fucking loves it. You can deffo feel the chemistry between them but beyond this silent eye-fuckery, the most convo they have is Naomi asking him for a secret he’s never shared and Felix going “I like dinosaurs”.

Meanwhile Meditation Daddy is giving actual biological daddy down on the beach with Jas, who is WAY too young for him, and I don’t mean necessarily age-wise. She’s talking shoeys and first loves and he’s here explaining the complexities of an eight-year relationship breakdown.

“so it turns out you’re my long-lost father”

They are so not right for each other but Med Dad is giving it a chance – he thinks she’s nervous because it’s a first date, but there might be something there. Spoiler because we can all see it coming a mile off – there is not.

Krystal our Lord and Saviour, meanwhile, has realised if she doesn’t literally drag Felix off somewhere she’s going to fall off the Main Character platform into “whomst is that” territory which is no bueno if you want a rose. They have a fun-ish chat and then Sealy, missing the call of the ocean, suggests a spontaneous swim!!! Guys I did start to doubt if my seal nickname was getting old but somehow, Felix continues to throw himself into bodies of water. It’s perfect.

What is not perfect is the so-called “movie moment” spontaneous swim. It looks like it’s negative 100 degrees, the water is grey, there’s almost certainly a rip so some producer is losing their head. It’s the opposite of romantique.

Come in babe the water’s freezing and we might get dragged out to sea

Instead of pashing Krystal as he normally would whenever he’s 1.5m away from a woman, Sealy says he’s “learnt his lesson sort of” and noticed all the other ladies eyeballing them from the restaurant, so he refrains. Except really it’s because his seal soul is overjoyed at the return to its birthplace.

Meanwhile Krystal is literally the only woman on the planet who can emerge from bog water with her makeup intact, not looking like a drowned rat.

The Bachelors
Truly how does she look exactly as she did before, while Sealy looks like a barnacle

Anyway it’s cute, sort of, in a forced way and then we go to the rose ceremony and nothing happens and this girl goes home:

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Bye…. champ

Tomorrow! Jess’ boyfriend shows up! It looks really awkward and like he doesn’t want to be there! CAN’T WAIT.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.