The title of this film should tell you all you need to know about everything. Cameron Diaz plays Elizabeth Halsey- a Bad Teacher. Excited yet? The movie begins with Halsey’s rich-ass, buck-toothed fiancee breaking off their wedding, when he realises she’s a money-hungry, shallow ditz (this is also true at the end of the film) who doesn’t. even. know. his. birthday- like, can you believe it? She has to go back to her old job as a primary school teacher (OMG), and she’s certainly BAD at it. “But what does a ‘bad teacher’ do to make her such a ‘baaaaaad teacher’?” I can hear you all screaming. She just acts out a number of tired cliches y’all- she smokes weed, she has a secret booze stash, she bribes parents, performs sexual favours, shows her class DVD’s while she nurses her hangovers, and stuff.
For Mrs.Halsey, the reasons for being a teacher are all the usual soul-enriching ones: “short hours, summers off and no accountability.” She asks another teacher, “What went so wrong that you ended up educating children?” I, personally, apologise to teachers everywhere for this line. Since I believe there are literally only two truly important professions in the world- teachers and doctors, this line of questioning was not music to my ears. Anyway, how’s me getting defensive about this movie? ://////
Mrs.Halsey also declares “My full-time job is to find a guy who’s going to take care of me”. Someone get me a shovel, the suffragettes just collectively rolled over in their graves and I need to roll them all back in place (individually). Shortly thereafter, Diaz’s real-life ex Justin Timberlake (Scott Delacorte), starts as a new teacher at the school who happens to have family money. You get da picture. She figures that naturally the one thing holding her back from bagging a rich dude like Delacorte is a pair of fake boobs (there go the suffragettes again). She doesn’t have the $10,000 she needs and she’ll do anything for it. These “anythings” become the comic fodder that drive the film. Man what fun!
OK so it is pretty, pretty bad, but there are some redeeming moments, and a few genuine lols. Jason Segel (gym teacher Russel Gettis) is almost the sole saving grace of the film. Every line he utters turns to gold- and with this mediocre script it’s not easy, trust me. Halsey is so morally bankrupt that it genuinely angers me that Gettis stays interested throughout the movie. Some of the supporting cast prove to be welcome surprises with Eric Stonestreet (Cam from Modern Family) playing Diaz’s Craiglist flatmate and Dave Allen (Mr Rosso from Freaks & Geeks) being his usual perfect self, just having him on screen warms my heart. Lucy Punch plays Amy Squirrel (and what a perfect Midwestern accent from this English actress!)- Halsey’s across-the-hall-mate who proves troublesome in her quest to… I don’t know, bag Justin Timberlake? Or get fake tits? Or something.
There are so many plot holes, and WTF moments (the carwash scene- why is she jumping on the car hoods and sliding down them again?), and the ending seemed rushed and unearned. I didn’t like Diaz’s character at the beginning- she’s high, lazy, superficial and cunning- and she’s done nothing to redeem herself by the end. Except maybe, telling one of her young students that he won’t bloom until college, and to not even bother trying to talk to the girl he has a crush on. Yeah she’s a real Princess Di (R.I.P.) type.
But because Diaz doesn’t want fake boobs anymore by the end of the movie and decides to SETTLE for the caring, intelligent, funny Segel (even at the end when they finally kiss, she asks “So you have NO family money?”), all is forgiven. What? No it’s not forgiven! She hasn’t changed at all! She’s still the same! She only cares about money and buying stuff! She doesn’t even like kids! Or teaching! How did she even get a teaching degree? Ughh. Anyway the happy ending isn’t satisfying and Cameron Diaz looks pretty haggard in this. “There I said it”. Two stars (*one star solely for Jason Segel)
Bad Teacher opens this Thursday July 21.
