If you’ve ever caught one of Offerman’s AMAs (which he tells us he’s very fond of, btw), you’d know that he and his wife Megan Mullally (who plays Tammy 2 on Parks and Rec) are the TRUE, actual, relationship goals, if you’re still using that term. When we asked Nick what he was most looking forward to in 2016, he said that he hoped most of his projects fell through so he “could sit on the couch with his wife and do some kissing.”
PEDESTRIAN.TV: Given the name of your show (‘Full Bush’), we gotta ask: Brazilian or bush?
Nick: Oh, full bush. No question. As mother nature intended.
Would you rather only be able to work with balsa wood [a really shitty wood to work with], or only be able to drink the cheapest, shittiest Scotch for the rest of your life?
Oh boy. My heart says Scotch, but my head says wood. if i work with the balsa wood effectively enough, i can sell my work for perhaps a better quality of Scotch.
Would you rather sit next to someone on a plane who wouldn’t stop talking to you, or who couldn’t stop farting?
Farting [he says in a tone that implies this should be obvious]. I would never notice them, I would overpower them with my own magnificent rolling cloud.
I’m afraid I’m not familiar with David Attenborough. Is he an actor? You’ll find the longer you talk to me the more you’ll learn that I’m incredibly ignorant.
Would you rather have to shave your face every day forever, or wax your butt once a week?
Oh boy. I don’t think my derrière undergrowth is that rampant. And I despise shaving my face, so I think I’ll go with the waxed fanny, please.
Would you rather have a starring role in the next Star Wars movie, or Jurassic World movie?
Oh gosh. Geez… I guess the Jurassic World franchise, because that would reunite me with my beloved Chris Pratt.
Would you rather fight a six-foot crocodile, or 100 aggressive koalas?
[Nick bursts into his Ron Swanson laugh. They are one and the same.]
Well, let us fill you in. Koalas are soft, small, and sleep for 90% of the day, but have sharp claws for climbing trees, and most of them have chlamydia.
So I could arguably seduce them into being nice with me, but I’d probably come out the other end with the clap. It is treatable, so I’m going to go koala hate sex.
I’ll bring a stash of eucalyptus leaves, which I believe is their catnip.
If Ron Swanson were asked that question, he would just get up and leave. But if somehow forced into giving an answer, I think Tammy 2 would definitely be the go-to choice. I’d come out the other end completely drained in every way.
Would you rather your future children spend a year becoming internet famous with daily selfies, or vegan?
It’s two despicable evils [he says in a tone of disgust] but I’ll go with the internet selfies, because at least then they can be enjoying red meat with their dad.
Would you rather a reality show about your life for one year, or to make a guest appearance on *every* Kardashian reality show once a week till end-of-series?
Oh, brother. Again, these are despicable ideas. I’m going to go with the Kardashian thing, because at least then it’s not getting into my own business. I can just pop in, make an appearance. Frankly, they would probably find me so distasteful and would fire me, rather quickly.
Would you rather eat koala meat, or kangaroo meat?
Oh gosh. That’s a great question. I’ve been joking that I can’t wait to taste my first koala, but that’s because I presumed they are not eaten. [We confirm that no, they’re not usually found on the dinner table.] In that case definitely koala.
Oh god, this is torturous. I’m going to need a drink just to think about it. One is the stuff of life, and one is the … y’know, I’ll give up the alcohol, because I could just eat a steak and then smoke some weed to escape from the pain of not having alcohol.
“Every person on the planet has to wipe their ass in the morning just like you. Whatever your origins, you have just as much right to thrill the world as the next dipshit.”
That’s bloody inspirational, that is. Worthy of a sunset overlay if we’ve ever seen one.
