I begrudgingly accept our Southern Cross tattoos, our sensationalized Current Affairs media and our penchant for claiming successful citizens of other nations as our own (then justifying those claims with the most tenuous of Down Under connections, The Gold Medal winner studied on exchange in Sydney for a Semester so we should think of this as a victory for Australia, for example). I may not agree with them but I can at least understand the motivations behind our cringey national past times – Nationalism, Ratings and Desperation respectively.
What I can’t understand however, is why Australians embrace the likes of perennial snore-fest Two And A Half Men and faux-feminist pop star Pink with such open-armed glee. Granted, they’re popular elsewhere but why do Australians watch a TV show that isn’t funny or support a pop star named for her old hair-colour in disproportionately high numbers? Let’s have a look shall we.
TWO AND A HALF MEN
Two And A Half Men is like the dinner roll of programming. You know they’re going to thrust those day-old jawbreakers in your face as soon as you sit down. You know it’s on the menu everywhere. And if death from starvation was imminent you know you’d begrudgingly chomp on those tasteless wheat rocks for sustenance. But why would you eat a dinner roll when prime fucking steak wrapped in cavier and gold leaf is right there (go read a book for half an hour and BAM Seinfeld is on) If you’ve never see an episode of Two And A Half Men A) Congratulations B) How’s that living without a TV thing treating you? and C) Don’t worry I’ll fill you in.
It basically follows Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) a hedonistic jingle writer, his brother Alan (Jon Cryer) a Divorced emotionally sensitive Chiropractor and Alan’s son Jake (Angus T. Jones) an unlovable halfwit who also happens to be the most irredeemable characters in television history. Seriously, they should have killed that dude in the Production womb. Every character is 2D thin and the majority of “laughs” stem from flogging well-established character faults. Charlie is a selfish man-whore. HA! Despite his divorce Alan is still pussy whipped and submissive ZING! Jake is an idiot LOL GUYS. Enter a sarcastic remark or sexual overshare from the rotund housekeeper Berta and that’s an episode in the can. Now repeat SIX HUNDERED THOUSAND times. Oh, I almost forgot about the completely unbelievable eye candy love interests. In fact the only conceivable way a guy who looks like Charlie Harper could bed a revolving cast of B-Grade models with any frequency is if that guy was Charlie Sheen. Combine the blatant objectification of women with a zany family sitcom and you’ve got Everybody Loves Entourage and that makes NO sense. Also did we mention, it’s not funny.
But despite these drawbacks over 1,400,000 Australians regularly tune in for their Two And A Half Men fix every night of the working week and more alarmingly, on multiple occasions in one night. The mind boggles. I mean, is it just me or have years upon years of passive Two And A Half Men viewing induced a physical reaction to the following sound?
PINK
Pink is a reasonably successful pop star who possesses the kind of punk edge that’s only slightly more believable than Avril Lavigne. She’s a worldwide success but in Australia she’s a revelation. In 2009 for example, Pink played 58 shows in Australia. The only people who play 58 shows in Australia are really shit bands who go regional or maybe The Wiggles. To put that in perspective Pink played 11 dates in the UK and made $58 million on her entire European tour. In a country with a population of about 21 million people, Pink made $70 million and played to approximately 660,000 people.
But don’t attribute those numbers to the Australian public’s love of touring Divas. Pink played at least twice as many shows as Lady Gaga, Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears and Madonna over that same period of time. Her death grip on Australian pop culture was further tightened after she donated $250,000 to Victorian bushfire aid (awesome move obviously) and more recently after she was named as the new face of V8 Supercars in Australia. Some of this astronomical popularity could be attributed to Roger Davies, Pink’s Australian born-manager and the man who transformed Tina Turner from an impersonal Diva into the voice of Rugby League but we’re still scratching our heads.
Per capita Two And A Half Men is just as successful in America as it is here (the last episode was watched by over 17 million of America’s 300 million residents) but we’ll need a team of Economists, Psychologists and Clairvoyants to explain Pink’s disproportionately high popularity levels in Australia.
We could also ask why Australian web users spend the most time on social media sites out of anyone in the world or why Sydney is one of the most vocal Twitter cities anywhere but for now, let’s just concentrate on collectively working out the anomalies of Two And A Half Men and Pink. Why are they so popular guys? And what does their popularity say about Australia? It would really help me sleep better at night. Can someone please tell me why so many of our countrymen tune in to a humourless sitcom or why the most successful pop star in this country also endorses V8 Supercars. Actually that last one probably explains itself. The floor is now open.
