Let’s call a spade a spade, New Year’s Eve can suck genuine ass.
Sure, it’s always fun to hang out with your mates and ring in the new year but as an adult, you realise that a) getting to midnight is an absolute slog and b) the new year is very much the same as the old year. This “new year, new me” business just isn’t realistic and I’ll still be treating my body like absolute shit regardless of whether the calendar ticks over another digit.
Even still, tradition’s tradition and society dictates that we’ll continue to be wildly let down by New Year’s Eve for years to come – unless you readjust your game plan to make it as bearable as possible.
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
First thing’s first, throw any optimism straight out the window – you’re a jaded, negative person now.
If you have absolutely zero expectations, it’s going to be damn-near impossible to be let down. People are always telling each other to stay positive but maybe, maybe, we should be trying a different tactic.
Think back to the last time you had really high expectations for something that ended up being depressingly awful – a birthday, perhaps? Maybe an AirBnB that looked nice in photos but was the equivalent of a Tim Burton-esque nightmare when you rocked up? Surely you’ve been to a gig where it sounds like they’re singing underwater?
Now think about that same experience through the lens of low expectations – not nearly as confronting or disappointing, right? Exactly.
THROW THE PARTY YOURSELF
Sneaking away to nap when you’re at someone’s party? Generally considered rude. Sneaking away to nap at your own party? Well, probably still considered rude but who gives a shit, it’s your own party – you’re in charge. You’re giving other plebs a place to party so you can nap however much you please.
That’s just one of the perks of hosting a NYE party yourself. Here are a couple more to convince you to take the reins this year:
- You can put out the food and drink you wanna consume eg. a freezer full of Maxibons, vodka that doesn’t taste like methylated spirits, fairy bread because fuck age limits etc.
- You can be selective with your invites so there’s no Debbie Downers or Wet Blanket Williams lurking about.
- You’ll have complete control over the music which means certified banger after banger.
- When people overstay their welcome you can politely call the police on their ass and claim they’re trespassing.
This suggestion’s not for everyone but it sure as hell would make for an entertaining night.
If you do get the opportunity to host a NYE party, stir the pot a tad and invite a couple of your friends’ exes just for shits and giggles. Nothing’s as pleasing as watching people at the stroke of midnight awkwardly kiss their current partner while simultaneously keeping one eye out for their presumably steaming ex. Who needs TV when you’ve got that nugget of comedy gold?
HEAD TO A FESTIVAL
Unless you bought tickets to Fyre Festival, the chances of having a solid time over New Year’s dramatically increases if you’re heading somewhere with bevs on tap, musos on stage and crotches on necks (like when you sit on someone’s shoulders to get a better look, grow up).
Not only is everything organised for you but there’s also a strong possibility that you’ll be so caught up ugly-dancing to your favourite tunes that you’ll completely forget about all of the hype surrounding midnight. Doesn’t get much better than that really.
Seriously you guys, you want to avoid being disappointed on NYE? Just sleep through it. Who doesn’t love a kip? Has anyone been let down by sleep before? Plus, you’ll save yourself money, a hangover and the debilitating morning-after regret that results when you wake up and realise you tried to hump an inflatable pool toy.
11/10 solutions in my opinion, you’re welcome everyone. I expect a freezer stocked full of Maxibons on everyone’s To-Do Lists.