Hi, my name is Louis and I… have… never seen an episode of Game of Thrones.
Thanks everyone. I used to be a closeted non-GoT watcher and, for a whole however-many seasons, I was able to get by. Whenever I was in a group situation and GoT came up, I was able to camouflage myself into the furniture, simply nod my head and agree with every sentence, or, at the very least, glaze my eyes over and reminisce about happier things, like RuPaul’s Drag Race or Carly Rae Jepsen. (I’m obviously really fun at parties.)
On the odd occasion when someone asked if I watched GoT, I would hang my head in shame, look at the ground and sigh. Sensing disappointment, I’d overcompensate by making a sub-par joke about the weather, hoping my mediocre personality would somehow rectify the fact that I couldn’t give a literal shit about GoT.
Can you imagine working in a place like PEDESTRIAN.TV, the home of spicy GoT recaps, without watching one episode? UNHEARD OF.
In my day-to-day life, some people literally can’t FATHOM that I haven’t seen an episode. Well, this is me coming clean –
No, I’ve haven’t seen an episode.
I don’t want to watch an episode.
I probably won’t ever watch a fucking episode.
Wow. That felt great. This writing thing is really therapeutic.
Now that GoT is done and dusted – Thank The Lord™ – I’ve decided to wear this title like a badge of honour, because I know I’m not alone in this crusade. I nek-nominate myself to be a martyr for this cause.
It’s time to corrupt the system… While grabbing my morning coffee, one of my beautiful co-workers suggested that I should start a GoT conversation with an avid fan to see if I could trick them into thinking that I’d seen every episode. It seems like a hard task considering I don’t know any names apart from Cersei. I don’t even know the names of the villages and kingdoms – do they even call them villages and kingdoms, lol? – and couldn’t tell you one plot line.
But I’m a go-getter. So challenge accepted.
Here’s how to survive a conversation with a GoT fan when you literally haven’t seen one episode:
- Always mention a dragon. I hear there are dragons.
- Also mention, “PWOAH! THAT DEATH!” It seems like Twitter is always crying over a death.
- Cersei drinking wine should always be your back-up when conversation dwindles. “OMG Cersei drinking wine was ME on Sat night. Am I right ladies??”
- When in doubt, talk about how aesthetically-pleasing the cast is. Right before it’s your turn to talk about the plot line, interject with something along the lines of “FARK! I just gotta say… the cast is just so hot. Like, they’ve maintained their hotness throughout all the seasons, but this season they’ve really peaked. I reckon they go to F45 in Narnia.” Okay, don’t say Narnia. We’re not trying to expose ourselves.
- Then turn the focus back onto them with a “fuck, marry, kill” question. “Hey Gary and Sandra, who’d you fuck, marry, kill?” Whoever they say they’d fuck, agree and say “URGHHhhhh they’re mint.” Also note whoever they’d kill – bring up the fact that they suck later on in the conversation if needed.
- There’s been lots of discussion online about how much of a letdown this season’s been. Say that.
- Oh my god, I nearly forgot – I’ve also heard there are some orgies of some sort. Say that.
- Don’t call them wizards. I did that once.
- If you get caught on the spot, just nod and scream laugh at anything they say. Even before they’ve finished their sentence, go “HAHAH FUCK OMG SO TRUE! LITERALLY 100% AGREED! WOW!”
Good luck, from one beginner to another. See you on the other side, my wine-drinking, orgy-loving wizard.Image: Game of Thrones (I think?)